How to Set Boundaries for Healthy Relationships
Setting boundaries in a relationship sounds formidable, as if it involves barbed wire or palace guards, but actually, boundaries are respectful and healthy. Boundaries need not be approached with a “keep out” sign—it’s just a matter of knowing where you end and another person begins. This week, thanks to listeners Harue S. and Jill C., both of whom requested the topic, we’ll explore how to set boundaries and how to know if yours have been breached.
What Is a Healthy Boundary?
What Is a Healthy Boundary? Well, if we’re talking about geography, a boundary marks the limits of an area. Same idea for relationships with significant others, friends, colleagues, family, or neighbors—it’s knowing your limit in each relationship. Your limits include what you can take on successfully, what you can give without feeling depleted, or what you can do without violating your personal integrity.
Someone who pushes your limits might encourage you to go against your values, like pushing you to drink after you worked hard to get sober. Or you might feel overwhelmed by demands, like when a friend expects assistance at the drop of a hat, even when she calls at 3 am. Or you might feel taken advantage of, like when an adult child keeps asking to borrow money without acknowledging the previous three loans she hasn’t yet paid back.
Your boundaries will vary from person to person. You may give your mother-in-law some slack because she’s so great with your kids, but keep a tight leash on your toxic coworker.
How Can You Tell if a Line Has Been Crossed?
Try this analogy: a relationship boundary is similar to your personal space—that invisible hula hoop-sized area around your body. People you love and approve of can come inside your personal space to give you a hug or offer you a shoulder to cry on, but most people know to stay respectfully outside your personal space.
Now, think of a time someone invaded your personal space. Maybe someone stood way too close while you had a conversation. Maybe someone you barely know gave you a bear hug. How did you feel? Awkward? Resentful? Uncomfortable? Like Angela Merkel during George W. Bush’s creepy shoulder rub?
Press ‘pause’ on that feeling. When that feeling comes up, that’s your red flag that your personal space boundaries have been crossed.
Now, let’s connect this to relationship boundaries: the same feelings will likely bubble up when a relationship boundary has been crossed. Trust your gut. If you have a nagging feeling you’ve been taken advantage of, dumped on, or ignored, your relationship boundary with the person in question may have been crossed.
Some signs are more subtle—your boundaries might require some shoring up if you:
- find yourself complaining all the time,
- feel constantly guilty or inadequate,
- never have time to get your own life stuff done,
- find that individuals in crisis are inexplicably drawn to you, or
- depend on a partner or other individual as your source of worth and validation.
So, How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries?
Tip #1: First, psych yourself up and remind yourself that it’s healthy and good to set boundaries. Folks whose boundaries could stand to be improved often think they’re not being helpful or supportive if they’re not suffering. They worry that setting boundaries would make them selfish or bad.
Not at all. Instead, healthy boundaries are respectful. Healthy boundaries mean we treat others as both separate and equal. In other words, others are not an extension of ourselves—on one end, they don’t validate our existence, and, on the other, they aren’t just another pair of hands to get our stuff done. In addition, others are equal. Remember the golden rule, or even better, the updated, empathetic version: Treat others as they would like to be treated.
Tip #2: Take action on what you can control. In any relationship, you have control over some percentage of the situation, but definitely not all of it. You can’t control others’ actions, but you can manage your own. You can’t stop a friend from calling at all hours, but you can stop picking up the phone between 10 pm and 8 am. You can’t make your sister stop yelling at your kids, but you can stop leaving them with her.
Tip #3: Practice saying no. If you’re uncomfortable saying no, wrap it in a complimentary package. “Thanks so much for thinking of me—how sweet of you, but I have to pass on this one.” Or blame an abstract thing, like your schedule: “I really wish I could, but my schedule is really inflexible these days,” or “I really want to say yes, but I’m already overbooked.”
Tip #4: State specific actions. Rather than vague wishes, state specific actions you want to stop or start. For example, rather than saying “You have to trust me,” say, “You may not go through my emails; I need to feel trusted.” Rather than saying “Be nice to me,” say, “It’s not OK to call me stupid.”
Tip #5: State the two “I’s”—I feel and I need. Why the big deal about “I” statements? Well, they do two things. First, they protect you. No one can argue with your opinion and your feelings. Second, they keep lines of communication open. As soon as you say the word “you,” you’re blaming, which invites others to get defensive.
The two pillars of “I” statements are “I feel” and “I need.” For example: “I feel annoyed when I get ten texts in a row asking where I am,” “I feel anxious when my texts go
unanswered,” “I need to feel trusted,” or “I need to feel safe.”
Or combine them for a one-two kung-fu punch of healthy boundaries: “I need to talk without yelling because I feel scared and angry when we disagree.”
Again, keep that sneaky word “you” out of there at all costs. For example, “I need you to stop being crazy” doesn’t work. Instead, say “I need to feel respected.”
Tip #6: Do what you say you’re going to do. If you say you need to talk without raised voices, walk away when they start to yell. If they call at 4 am, say “I’d love to talk with you after breakfast.” The first few times will be hard—you’re changing the culture of your relationship. But be consistent, and I promise things will get easier.
You may worry you’ll lose some friendships or relationships by setting healthy boundaries. ou may. Or you may not. You may be afraid people won’t like you, but in relationships with poor boundaries, they already don’t respect you. Insist on relationships with both.
A fantastic book that inspired some of today’s tips is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. It’s a million-copy bestseller helpful not only in setting boundaries, but improving all the relationships in your life.
If you have any questions about boundaries or futue issues you’d like to see discussed on the podcast, feel free to share them on the Savvy Psychologist Facebook page: www.facebook.com/savvypsychologist.
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About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.
