How to Survive the Back-to-School Transition: A Conversation with Mighty Mommy
Savvy Psychologist interviews Mighty Mommy Cheryl Butler about how to support your kids during the shaky transition that is back to school.
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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How to Survive the Back-to-School Transition: A Conversation with Mighty Mommy
“Back to school” doesn’t just mean the first day. Instead, it’s a weeks-long process of settling in for students of all ages, from preschool to grad school, not to mention their parents. This week, we have a true expert to help us through the shaky transition period of the next few weeks: Cheryl Butler, host of QDT’s Mighty Mommy podcast. Cheryl is also a parenting columnist, and most importantly, mom to eight—count ‘em—eight kids, so she’s got some mighty street cred and invaluable experience, which she’s gracious enough to share with us.
Savvy Psychologist: Around 15% of Americans move in any given year—that’s a lot of kids showing up as “the new kid.” After a cross-country move this summer, my kids are actually in this boat! How can I help ease their transitions to their new schools, both in the first few days and as the weeks go by?
Mighty Mommy: This situation can cause angst for both kids and their parents—after a move, whether it be across the country like your family, Ellen, or even just across town. Kids will now need to adjust to a new location/school building environment, new teachers, a different curriculum, and, of course, new friends. For starters, if possible, try to visit the school and your child’s classroom during a non-school time so you can both become a bit familiar with the new building, atmosphere, rules, etc. If your child can meet with his new teacher before school starts, it would provide an opportunity for the teacher to spend a little time welcoming him to his new school and gushing about all its great qualities, such as the big playground for recess or the new computers in each classroom.
A little bit of quality time in the school can alleviate your child’s anxiety, but if you haven’t had the chance to do this and school has already started, call the school and see if you can make arrangements to take your child back some afternoon to do these things. This still offers the opportunity for some quiet time that your child can spend getting familiar with his new surroundings, and most teachers stay after school for a period of time so this is another time to connect on a more personal level. Maybe your child can bring in some personal items to share with his new classmates that will showcase interests from his former school.
Another way to help your kids transition is to keep your home routines the same. Routines at home can anchor them when their outside world is a bit topsy turvy by giving them comfort and stability.
Lastly, if at all possible, get involved with the school as a parent. If you’re able to volunteer in the classroom, you’ll get to know the teacher and your child’s classmates firsthand. Networking with other parents can be a great way to meet other kids, too.
SP: As for the kids who are simply transitioning up a grade in the same school, now that school has started, some kids have settled in seamlessly, while others are reluctant. How do I calm kids who say each morning “I don’t want to go to school?”
MM: This scenario is actually more common than many people think. Many times, it’s just our kids’ way of trying to either get attention or simply saying out loud that she’d rather be at home, hanging out with her friends or doing things she enjoys like playing on her iPad. The reasons for school refusal can vary, yet it also tends to be about avoiding something unpleasant. I’ve always found that the best place to start is by giving your child the chance to explain why she doesn’t want to go to school. It may let her either vent a little or uncover the underlying cause, such as having a teacher that she isn’t crazy about or maybe she’s being picked on by another kid in her class. If you can uncover the reason, you have something to work with.
Don’t cajole and plead with her to please get ready etc.—that will only prolong the behavior and she’ll know she has a captive audience. If it’s just a case of truly not liking to do schoolwork or she’s just looking for ways to get attention, shower her with lots of love and attention but let her know that school attendance is not going to be a subject for discussion and you’ll be happy to build a fun and solid morning routine. Let her get involved by picking out a cereal or breakfast food she’d like to have each morning, and sit down and eat together if you can so you can have that time to connect and get the day off to a positive start. In addition, you can also give her something to look forward to, such as a movie night with you or her friends. I actually schedule these outings on our family calendar and post it so my kids can be excited about the school year. Lastly, in our family, I offer up two days off during the school year. Even kids need mental health days to unwind. Last year I took one of those days off from work with them and we went to an indoor water park for the day. They’re still talking about it.
SP: Sometimes school transition is hard on the parents, too! In particular, starting kindergarten or going away to college are big moments in a parent’s life. What are your tips for the worries that come with those milestones?
MM: I often think it’s harder for us parents when our kids reach these milestones! When my youngest child entered Kindergarten, my oldest child entered college. It was the first time in 18 years I had no one but the dogs in the house for six hours a day. Whenever one of my kids reaches a milestone that might be bittersweet, I’ve always found it helpful to just let myself, “stay in the moment” and remain tuned into those feelings, regardless of whether they might be a little sad. That year my last of eight children went to all-day Kindergarten and my daughter left for college, I sat in our family room for the first 30 minutes and did nothing but look around the room. Everything I looked at brought a memory of something I had done with one of my kids when they were younger—read a book, built a lego tower, cleaned up their crushed cookies or vomit. Then I grabbed their baby books and other family scrapbooks and sat and relived their younger years. I laughed and cried and I actually talked out loud to myself –more or less giving myself a verbal pep talk that although things would never be the same as when they were toddlers and with me all the time, how terrific it was for them to get to see the world in a new way now. I think affirming how far we’ve come at any stage in our parenting is important. We don’t often hear that we’re doing a good job, so why not give yourself a little pat on the back every now and again, especially when you and your child reaches a big milestone such as these.
It’s also nice to connect with other parents that are going through the exact same phases. This year, my 4th child is leaving for college and although I’m excited for him, I know the drive home is going to be quiet and full of reflection. Luckily, I have a group of friends who have sent kids off to college this year soon we will meet up together and share dorm-decorating stories and homesickness issues while counting the days until we’ll see them again. It definitely helps to have support from others who are experiencing similar milestones.
Through the years I’ve found that 90% of my worries about my kids never come to fruition. So use this newfound time your child is in school to do something you haven’t had the time to do—reading, gardening, starting a new hobby, even redecorating a room in your house. And now you can build a new relationship with your child such as planning activities with your kindergartener like going to the playground for a date after school, and sending those all-important care packages to your college kid as you look forward to when he or she will come home for the holidays. Living in the moment during these times makes you appreciate your family all the more. I’ve kept a gratitude journal since I became a mom 22 years ago and not only does it keep me grounded and grateful to be a mother, it’s also fun to look back through the pages and see what I was appreciative of through the years.
You can connect with Cheryl by checking out her Mighty Mommy podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, or our website, and you can keep in touch on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.
If the Savvy Psychologist makes your life happier or healthier, let me know by liking on Facebook, subscribing to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, or subscribing to the biweekly newsletter at quickanddirtytips.com/newsletters.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.