How to Talk to Someone Coping With Death and Loss
Have you ever struggled with what to say when someone dies? Lisa B. Marshall ,aka The Public Speaker, shares her recent struggle with how to talk with someone coping with the death of a loved one.
My late husband John, died 20 years ago in 1995. My mother died in 2000 and my dad in 2011. About a year ago, my best friend Linda died. (I’ve mentioned her many times the podcast, sometimes in disguise.) She was an incredibly supportive friend—in fact, I used to tell her that she was my biggest “fan.” I loved her like a sister.
A few months before Linda died, her husband Derf (that’s Fred backwards) was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer. And just before that devastating news, her only son, Sean (a high school student) was diagnosed with Type-1 diabetes. I believe Linda died of a broken heart.
Just two weeks ago, Derf died leaving Sean without parents or grandparents.
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Why am I telling you all this? Not for your sympathy, but simply because I think it’s important to share this experience. One day you may encounter someone who has lost a loved one or you may be the one grieving; by reading this, my hope is that you’ll have a better understanding of what to say when someone dies.
I’m not really sure why, but we rarely talk about death—it’s seems like it’s one of those taboo subjects (at least here in the U.S.). However, it’s something that we should talk about. It’s something that I should talk about, because when someone dies, it’s exactly the time when we need to be able to communicate effectively. It’s exactly the time we need to be the best possible communicators that we can be —not for ourselves, but for those around us that we love.
Grief Is Not Like You See in the Movies
When my husband died at first I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted the world to stop and for everyone to recognize what a huge loss we all had just sustained. I remember lying on the couch, curled in a ball crying and crying for hours at a time, feeling totally alone. I didn’t have to be alone, but I was afraid to let others see the depths of my despair. I didn’t eat. I didn’t clean up the house. I didn’t mow the lawn for weeks. I didn’t do anything. When friends and family reached out to me—I pushed them away. I didn’t want to do anything they suggested. Couldn’t they see? Didn’t they know? I just wanted John back. I just wanted to see him. I needed John, my partner. I know it doesn’t make sense, but I was even mad at John for leaving me alone to deal with his death.
It took time, but eventually I was slowly able to build a new life; moving from “we” to “me” and eventually back to “we” again.
Why I’m Passionate About Communication
Losing John is part of why I’m so passionate about the importance of communication. In fact, in my book, Smart Talk, included a section on what to say when someone is going through a hard time. I explained how when John died, ordinarily talkative people became tongue-tied, or worse, they became silent. Much later, many people told me they had no idea what to say, what to do, or how to help. They were fearful of saying the wrong thing, so they instead opted to say nothing at all—especially people at work. Clearly the situation made them uncomfortable and therefore silent.
I understand that—especially now, in these past few weeks. What could I possibly say to an 18-year-old boy who hasn’t even graduated high school yet, who has suffered through significant hearing and eye sight loss, who is now dealing with type 1 diabetes, and most tragically, who lost his mom and dad within a span of a year? I could’t find words. No words seemed to be enough to express the depth of my feelings. Every time I rehearsed some words in my mind, they seemed to trivialize the magnitude of this tragedy. On the day of the funeral, I still hadn’t found any words for Sean. I just hugged him and as I struggled to say anything, he said to me, “We just need to stay positive, Aunt Lisa.” Somewhat stunned, I whispered a one word response, “Yes”.
I was ashamed of myself. After I sat down in the pew, I promised myself that I would find words, and I would find a way to share them with him and to keep sharing them with him. I owed it to him and I owed it to his mother and father.
The Worst Thing You Can Do
I believe the worst thing anyone can do is to not say anything at all—any words or actions, even fumbling inarticulate words, are better than nothing at all. Everyone needs to hear that their loved one’s life meant something. Every person that experiences a loss needs to have that loss recognized, and we need to let them know we understand that the void hurts. And it our responsibility, our job, to find the bridge to that person’s broken heart, so we can help by taking on a very small part of their grief. And the way we do that is through our words (and actions).
But the hard part is that everyone experiences loss differently. And it’s even likely that same person experiences the pain and loss differently from day to day, or even from moment to moment. So, we need to listen, I mean really listen, and respond to what the other person is experiencing in that particular moment. There are no quick and dirty tips for this, becasue there is no one right way to talk to someone who is going through the grieving process.
I remember having to tell people it’s OK to talk about John. It’s OK to ask questions. Particularly as more time passed, I noticed that some people were careful not to bring it up—I think that perhaps they thought I finally might be “over it,” and didn’t want to upset me all over again. But, the reality is that the loss of a loved one is never far from our minds, and by sharing your words and sharing your stories, you are making a connection. For me it, it helps to feel closer to those I have lost and closer to the person that shared the story. Hearing the stories often made me smile, or made me proud.
Don’t Disappear
So, don’t disappear. Even if you don’t know what to say. Even if you are uncomfortable. Even if you feel like you are not sure how the other person is going to react, just listen to the thoughts, feelings, and emotions being shared in the moment and do your best to acknowledge the loss, offer your support, and share your stories.
In an effort to follow my own advice, I have been sending Facebook and email messages to Sean. I bought him a book on grief, hoping there might be some words of wisdom to ease his pain in some way. Today, I even worked up the courage to ask him if it would be OK for me to attend his graduation in two weeks. My heart swelled when he replied, “That would be awesome.”
P.S. While I was writing this article, Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook, posted about her experience with grief (her husband died of a freak accident at age 46). If you haven’t read it, you should. She shares what she learned going through the grieving process. It’s very moving.
This is Lisa B. Marshall, helping you to lead and influence. If you’d like to learn more about compelling communication, I invite you to read my bestselling books, Smart Talk and Ace Your Interview and listen to my other podcast, Smart Talk. As always, your success is my business.
Image courtesy of Shutterstock.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.
