Hugs and Kisses
A few thoughts on the shake, kiss, or hug dilemma.
Adam Lowe
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Hugs and Kisses
Have you ever had that uncomfortable situation where another person went in for a hug while you extended your hand to shake? Sometimes it’s hard to gauge the appropriate level of physicality to share with another person, so here are a few thoughts on the shake, kiss, or hug dilemma.
In work settings, it is fine to be more formal when you are in either familiar or foreign settings, but be aware of your local hosts when you travel and follow their lead. Remember that people in many other countries are more physical than we are in the US, so don’t be afraid when you visit a colleague in another land and they kiss you on the cheek or give you a handshake and hug. Rebuffing someone’s locally appropriate but physical greeting can make you seem more distant at best, or even culturally ignorant and cold. While there is nothing wrong with being more formal with business colleagues, remember that the interpersonal ties we form with one another are often very important in getting things done.
With friends and family overseas, I strongly suggest a “When in Rome” approach. Kiss your French friend on each cheek, give three kisses to your Dutch cousin, and a good, strong hug for your Russian kin. Of course even the two-kiss greeting varies from country to country, so check with your local hosts about the appropriate starting cheek and the general guidelines for greetings.
Back at home, there can still be a lot of confusion in social situations about the appropriate level of physicality, especially between men. Should you hug your closest friends whenever you see them, or simply shake hands? My general sense is that we Americans are loosening up a bit in terms of showing physical affection for one another, and I think this is generally a good thing. It is natural to show physical warmth to those for whom you care, so I think we should all start relaxing a little with friends and family. This does not mean you should jump in and become super-physical with those with whom you have been more formal in the past. Like anything, it’s a good idea to warm up to it a little and gauge the comfort of your friends. For men, the handshake with a pat on the back or half hug is a good way to start. For women, a polite kiss on the cheek with a handshake can be a move to a warmer greeting.
If someone is moving in for a hug or kiss and it is unwanted or makes you uncomfortable, simply keep your hand firmly extended for the handshake and this will generally convey the message. But if it is a physical greeting offered truly in the spirit of warmth and friendship, consider accepting it in the character in which it was intended.
So here’s hoping you have many friends to offer you warm greetings, and thank you for listening to quick and dirty tips for a more polite life.
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