Moving On From Your Mentor
A mentor can be invaluable, but relationships change and moving on from your mentor is a big decision. Here are Get-It-Done Guy’s 7 tips to know when and how to change the relationship.
Listener Georgia writes:
“How do you know when it’s time to move on from your mentor? What if you find out that your mentor is human and not the deity that you have always placed on a marble pedestal?”
A mentor is simply someone who’s been where you are, and traveled that path—or a similar one—before. In corporations, a mentor is someone who knows the lay of the land and helps you navigate the complexities of organizational life. Mentors even promise not to backstab you for their own gain, which can be a refreshing change. And hopefully, they can help you avoid political blunders; they know where all the skeletons are buried. That’s really convenient because skeletons are high in calcium (which promotes healthy teeth) and it’s hard to find one that’s not being used.
Today’s sponsor is Audible.com, with over 100,000 downloadable titles from all types of literature. Download a free audiobook today from Audible.com at audiblepodcast.
But as much fun as your mentor may be on that drive out to the cemetery, the time may come when you two should part ways. Here are 7 ways to tell when that time has come:
Tip #1: Part Ways if There’s a Conflict of Interest
Although part of a good mentor relationship is the agreement not to backstab each other, the time may come when you find yourself at odds. Say you’re an apprentice to the Dark Lord of Sith and part of the career path is to rise up, destroy your mentor, and absorb his life force. That’s a genuine conflict of interest.
Conflicts can happen many ways: if you’re moved into your mentor’s chain of command, your mentor may feel compelled to put their needs as a manager ahead of your needs. If your mentor is a consultant to a client and you’re on a committee overseeing that client’s expenses, you really don’t want to be the one who has to make your mentor justify every expense voucher. Especially when several of them were for working lunches with you. And if you end up forming a close relationship with one of your mentor’s business colleagues, and they later have a falling out, well, let’s just say things get messy.
If you can trust your mentor—and no, you can never trust the Dark Lord of Sith—raise the issue. Explain your concerns to your mentor, and you might be able to come to an arrangement. Perhaps you can avoid certain topics when you meet together, or agree to part ways temporarily until the conflicted issue has passed.
If you can no longer trust your mentor, or you never could, finding a conflict of interest is almost certainly a sign that your relationship is on its last legs. One good light saber swipe will take care of those legs in a jiffy.
Tip #2: Move on if Your Mentor is Reluctant
If your mentor was assigned to you in a corporate mentorship program and he, she, or it doesn’t actually want to mentor you, it may be time to move on.
If your company mentoring policy requires you to stay together, it’s worth it to try to build some kind of relationship. Ask your mentor, “How can we both get the most out of this arrangement?” You may agree to a relationship that isn’t mentorship, but still benefits you both. For example, you could cover for each other when you duck out to interview for a job at a company that doesn’t try to force inappropriate mentoring relationships.
Tip #3: Fake It
If your mentor is a powerful, well-connected person in your company or industry and she thinks the relationship is going fine, you might want to consider faking it. Otherwise, she’ll kill you and absorb your life force. That would be bad.
Show up and get what you can out of the situation while fawning obsequiously over how amazing and incredible she is. This is called brown-nosing. Welcome to Corporate America.
Tip #4: Move on When Needs Change
Both you and your mentor are in the relationship because you’re both getting something from it. You’re getting guidance, advice, and an outside perspective. Mentors get something too. My mentor blew my mind when he came back from a meeting and said, “I asked myself ‘What would Stever do in that meeting?’ and then I tried that.” I’d never realized that mentors also learn from the relationship. I was flattered. True, he did get fired for his behavior in the meeting. But I was still flattered.
There can come a time when the relationship is no longer meeting both your needs. That’s a good time to part ways.
Tip #5: Check in About Your Relationship
Once a year or so, it’s worth having a conversation and asking, “How’s this working for you?” If you are no longer both getting your needs met, it’s perfectly fine to go your separate ways. If things aren’t working for you, the worst thing you can do is quietly stew about it. Then when you finally separate, you run the risk of having hard feelings. It’s far better to separate gracefully and with mutual respect.
Tip #6: Keep Multiple Mentors
Keep in mind that there’s no law against having more than one mentor! Having several perspectives on your situation can be valuable. Even just knowing there are different approaches can free up your thinking. Early in my career, my boss asked me to do something unethical. One of my mentors said, “This is the reality of working in a corporation. Everyone does it, it’s no big deal.” My other mentor said, “Do the right thing. You’ll sleep easier.” Knowing there was a culture of support for both courses of action paradoxically helped me feel more comfortable following my own values. I did the right thing. To this day, I sleep easier.
Tip #7: Your Mentor is Human
Finally, remember that your mentor is only human. I’m the kind of person who puts people on pedestals. I get very upset when they fell off. But of course they’ll fall off! They’re only human. Know this going in, and be selective about what you learn from them and what you don’t. One of my mentors is an absolute role model for being a creative genius, but the way he manages his personal life isn’t for me. So we have a strong bond around creativity, and I look to others for models of having a strong personal life.
Mentors are great. Find one. Find several. Collect the whole set. Fake it if you’re in an artificially enforced mentor relationship. Use relationship check-ins to make sure things are going well. And when you’re not getting your needs met, or when you have conflicts of interest, go your separate ways. And remember that your mentor is only human. But if you arrange for them to get bitten by a radioactive spider, they could develop super powers. And wouldn’t that be neat to have in a mentor?
I’m Stever Robbins. I help successful people build exceptional lives, business, and careers. I provide a completely confidential, non-judgmental space where they can honestly explore options without judgment and with no outside agenda. If you want to know more, visit SteverRobbins.
Follow Get-It-Done Guy on Twitter and Facebook.
Work Less, Do More, and Have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
