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I’ve decided to take on a very daunting task. Well, it’s daunting to me because it’s an issue I have not yet resolved. I’m currently dealing with a two-year-old who is suffering from separation anxiety. Even as I was gathering my thoughts on this episode, my son was begging for my attention. I finally gave up and read him a few more books before he finally settled in for bedtime. I’m not a complete stranger to separation anxiety. My daughter went through it briefly and I’ve seen other children going through it as well. The thing I wonder about it most is who it’s hardest on, the child or the parent.
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Most children experience separation anxiety anywhere from the age of six months until about two and a half years old. The age at which it starts varies from child to child and some kids get over it much faster than others. My daughter started showing signs around eighteen months old, but it was very short lived. I think she was more adjusted to being away from me because she was in day care until she was about eleven months old. I was working away from home then and had not made the adjustment to full-time mom. She stayed with her grandmas and with a day care provider on occasion. Once I started working from home, she became more attached and would cry when I’d leave her in someone else’s care, but according to her caregivers, the tears would stop within minutes and she was always happy when I returned home. My son is a different story. We are at the stage where if I leave the room, even briefly, he goes a little nuts running through the house looking for me. Once he finds me, he calms down, but the amount of distress he seems to experience during that short period of time seems unnecessary and quite unpleasant.
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This brings me to my first tip. Don’t sneak away. I know a lot of parents who make sure their child is distracted and then they run out the door as fast as they can. The only person this is easier for is the parent. By sneaking off, you don’t see your child freaking out when he realizes that you’ve disappeared and he doesn’t know where you’ve gone. I believe it’s important to be honest with your child and let him know what’s going on. Tell him that you are going out for a bit and let him know who is there to take care of him. Then, reassure him that you’ll be back and be honest about the time frame. When I tell my son I’m going out, he attaches himself to my leg and makes attempts to join me. I realize this is going to happen and I am careful not to prolong the good-bye. I give him his hugs and kisses before I tell him I’m going. It’s important to give hugs and kisses often when you aren’t leaving as well so that your child doesn’t associate your affection with leaving. My son needs to see me leave the house. If he doesn’t, he goes from room to room frantically looking for me. If he sees me leave the house, he’s not happy about it, but he deals with it better. He knows I’m coming back and he doesn’t get as emotional.
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My next suggestion is for those of you whose kids are so emotional that you feel like you can’t leave them at all. You can try working up to it gradually. Start with a quick trip to the grocery store. Maybe it’s Mommy that your child is attached to. Let Daddy stay home while you run to the store for fifteen minutes. Give your child kisses and hugs and tell him you’ll be back in the time it takes him to color a few pictures. Ask him to have some drawn for you when you get back. Have Daddy hold him so he can wave good-bye when you leave. He may be crying or seem inconsolable, but just go and let Daddy handle it. Don’t call when you get to the store either. Fifteen minutes is not a long time and crying isn’t going to hurt your child. You can bring back some stickers or a new book for your child as a reward for being such a big boy while you were gone. The next time you go out, make it twenty minutes, then thirty. The key is to let your child know that you are coming back. Once he’s used to you coming and going, he should be more comfortable with it happening.
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Keep in mind that the more apprehensive you are about leaving, the more your child is going to sense that in you. You need to be confident and secure about saying good-bye and getting on your way. Do not prolong your stay as it gives your child more time to sense your own nervousness. If your child finds comfort in objects, you might consider having something that your child can keep with him while you are away. My kids have soft photo-albums. I put pictures of family members in the books. This way, they can see their loved ones anytime they want even if they aren’t at home. When you return home, talk to your child about his feelings. Let him know that you missed him too. If a child can talk about his feelings and understand that Mommy has these feelings too, it could help him adjust to the situation.
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Finally, remember that separation anxiety is generally a temporary situation. Most children outgrow it before the age of three. The suggestions I’ve shared are to help you and your child get through this rough period in your lives. Some children get through it faster than others and so do some parents. I figure I’m going to go through my own separation anxiety when my kids start going to school full time and then again when they are teenagers and they want to grow up! I suppose this is just one of those things we’ll get to deal with multiple times throughout our lives as parents.
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That’s it for now. I hope you’ve enjoyed the show. Thank you for listening.
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