Thank You Note Etiquette
A proper thank you note shows class and appreciation.
Richie Frieman
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Thank You Note Etiquette
With the holidays nipping at our toes, it’s just a matter of time before we have a stack full of presents to unwrap, and a mountain of thank you notes to write. It seems that with every joy of opening a present comes with the agony of having to write a thank you note.Â
However, as much as people hate writing thank you notes, the key is to remember that you’re lucky to even have the opportunity to write a thank you note. Yes, it’s an opportunity. Someone had you in their thoughts, and being the mannerly person that you are it’s only proper to make sure that thank you note is sent out in a timely manner. So before your hand cramps up and you pull your hair out with frustration over what to put down onto paper, step back, take a breath, and let Modern Manners Guy help out with three tips for Thank You Note Etiquette:
Tip #1: Timing
In my tenure as Modern Manners Guy, thank you notes have been a constant issue with readers. Sure, issues about rude daters, coworkers, and family members tend to be the focus of most questions I receive, but thank you notes are up there as a major gripe. And the actual timing of the thank you note is a topic of great debate. First, let’s be honest, we’re all manners enthusiasts, and appreciative of people thinking of us, regardless of the specific gift, but still, it’s the buckling down and actually doing it that shows the real appreciation. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Bottom line, Modern Manners Guy, how long can I push off writing a thank you note and not come off as lazy?” What, too harsh? Trust me, I’ve been there.
Folks, I have two answers for you about the proper timing for thank you notes. The first is a simple concept: write the thank you note when you use the gift. By this, I mean if you take out the new coffee maker to brew a fresh pot, you should be writing a thank you note at the same time. It takes a minute and you are benefiting from that person’s generosity. If that new jacket fits perfectly, and is ready to take out for the night, then a thank you note should be invited to the party, too. Think about it, if you run into the person who gave you that item, they will immediately be wondering where their thank you note is. After all, you had time to try it on, but you didn’t have time to write down how much you liked it?Â
Secondly, timing can be broken down per event. For a wedding, you get more time to respond since you’ll be inundated with gifts. It takes time to sort through what stays and what’s returned. I say a good month to play around with is OK for wedding-related thank yous. I’d even say it’s okay to stretch it to six weeks if you must, but we should all know what we are keeping WAY before that, so it’s proper to stay in the four-week range if you can. Now, if it’s any other “event,” where the gift load can easily fit in the backseat of your car, then cut that timeframe in half. Even if it’s a dozen presents (say for a birthday) that’s only one a day! No one is that busy.Â
Tip #2: Money Matters
In Tip #1, I mentioned weddings as an example of a very popular thank you note situation, and with weddings, unless you win the lottery, a wedding is likely the most money you’ll be handed in one night. Unlike buying someone a toaster, and wondering if someone digs it, when you give money as the gift, the gift giver knows you like it. When it comes to gifts, green is good and the gift giver will be expecting a thank you note that shows your gratitude for it. Like I said, if someone gives you an object, they can only hope you like what you chose. However, money is always a good fit. So, knowing you’re not going to spend hours as you would with a new lamp, deciding if you’ll have to write an endearing thank you note, when it comes to money you should always speed up the process.
When someone gives money as a gift they expect a special level of attention to it. I’m not sure why that is; I mean, if you give someone $100 or spend $100 on a present, it’s technically the same idea, right? Yet when it comes to actual money, people are a bit more antsy to receive that thank you note. Whether you deposited the money in your saving account or spent it on something special, make money gifts a top priority over every other present. Yes, your Grandmother is near and dear to your heart and you do love her picture frame … but that check will be pretty important come mortgage time, too. You can go back and forth about whether to keep the new ottoman, so put that thank you note to the side until the money gifts are properly tended to.
Tip #3: Who Do You See?
Robert emailed me the other day about a thank you note issue that occurred with his coworker, Ellen. In their small office of fifteen people, everyone was invited to the party. After the wedding, Ellen came back to work, talking about all the amazing gifts she received. Whether it was bragging about the money she received or even bringing in sandwiches for lunch made with bread from her new bread maker, Ellen was getting great use out of her wedding gifts, and enjoyed showing it off. However, she forgot that her coworkers who she sees 40 hours a week gave her some of that money, and Sean in marketing happened to be the one who bought the bread maker. Needless to say it was rather annoying when no one received a thank you note yet.
As a manners expert, I’m not one to promote putting off writing a thank you note … but I will say that if you’re going to be lazy about it, it’s okay to “prioritize”when you write a thank you note. It’s always proper—and simply common sense—to make sure that family, friends, and coworkers who you are in contact with on a regular basis get a thank you notes first. That distant cousin twice removed who lives five states west of you can be farther down on the list than, say, your neighbor. Just as Rob pointed out, he and his coworkers should have been at the top of Ellen’s list for thank you notes—regardless if she liked the gift or not.
You never want to come off as ungrateful, so at the end of the day, taking two minutes to write a thank you note for that new TV you’re now watching is a pretty decent trade off.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
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