The End of the Family Bed
Those of us who have let our children sleep in our beds and have decided that we want them out now definitely have our work cut out for us.
Cherylyn Feierabend
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The End of the Family Bed
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some quick and dirty tips for practical parenting.
This week’s topic is a tough one. Convincing children to go to sleep is hard enough; teaching them to sleep in their own beds is something else altogether. I know this from experience. My children go to sleep in their own beds, but I find them snuggled up next to me every morning. Most of the time I wake up to the two of them arguing over who gets to sleep next to me. My husband and I are both looking forward to the day when both kids stay in their own beds for the entire night.
Whether or not you choose to let your children sleep in your bed is your personal decision. I don’t have an opinion either way and there are many experts on both sides of the topic. Some say that you should never let your children sleep with you and others say that sleeping in what they call “the family bed” is healthy and even good for your children. Those of us who have let our children sleep in our beds and have decided that we want them out now definitely have our work cut out for us.
The best advice for keeping the kids out of your bed is, of course, never let them in to begin with. Unfortunately, many of us were tired and we caved in thinking that it doesn’t matter as long as we can all get some sleep. I know that as long as I was getting that extra hour of sleep in the morning, it was worth it to have the little ones snuggled up next to me. Now they aren’t as little and they aren’t exactly sleeping. So, what do I need to do to get them out?
First, have a talk with your child. Let him know that it’s time for him to start sleeping in his own bed and set a date in the very near future when sleeping in Mommy and Daddy’s bed will no longer be an option. You can even say, “Tonight is the last night you will sleep with us. You are a big boy now and you need to stay in your own bed.” Then, talk to him about things he can do when he wakes up and wants to come into your bed. One thing that my daughter has done that has helped her work through it is turn on the hallway light. I asked her why she doesn’t want to stay in her bed and she says that when she wakes up, it’s dark and the nightlight isn’t enough. So, I gave her permission to turn on the hallway light and get back into her own bed. This has helped her through a couple of nights and seems to be an easy adjustment for her so far. So, if your child is waking up, offer him something to reassure him that he’s OK in his own bed. You can try a light, a new stuffed animal, or a radio to help soothe him back to sleep.
If your child does well with charts and rewards, hang a new chart right over his bed. For every time he sleeps through the night in his own bed, he’ll get to mark off that night on his chart. Offer a special reward for staying in his bed every night for a week. You could let him stay up and watch a fun movie with you on the last night or offer some other activity that allows some extra fun time with you. Since he’s giving up that extra time with you at night, he’ll probably appreciate the additional attention while he’s awake.
If your child usually falls asleep in your bed and then you move him to his own, you’ll need to stop letting him fall asleep there. You may need to lie down with him for a bit before he can fall asleep in his own bed, and that’s OK. Each night, go through your usual bedtime routine so that he knows bedtime is coming, and then stay with him for less time each night until he’s able to fall asleep on his own. You’ll still want to spend the usual story and lullaby time with him, but he should be able to kiss you goodnight and go to sleep without you right next to him.
If your child gets out of bed and comes into your room, gently and quietly remind him of your agreement and any incentives you are offering and help relocate him back to his own bed. This may be difficult if your child is stealthy like mine and gets into your bed while you are sleeping. You may not even know he’s there until morning. Unfortunately, the only way to stop the habit is to be consistent. You may need to place a bell on your bedroom door or some other alarm type of system to let you know when your child is out of bed.
Finally, remember that your child will outgrow this, but if you really want to stop the habit now, you have to be firm and consistent. If you really don’t mind your child sleeping next to you, I truly think that’s OK too. Mine are growing up too fast already and I love knowing that they still want to snuggle with Mommy. Don’t forget to enjoy those precious moments.
That’s it for now. Thank you for listening.
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Family Bed image courtesy of Shutterstock