The “F” Word – Part 2
Do you receive feedback gracefully?
Lisa B. Marshall
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The “F” Word – Part 2
Here’s a message I received on The Public Speaker listener line:
I was wondering if you could give some advice on the best way to overcome a negative review. I just had my review last week and it went pretty bad. If you could offer some advice or tips on how to repair my relationship with my immediate or direct boss that would be great.
Receiving Negative Feedback is Difficult
Receiving a negative job performance review is difficult. Last week I mentioned that giving feedback can be uncomfortable, but I think being on the receiving end of negative feedback is even harder. It’s a psychological blow.
At first, you might react by denying it or by becoming defensive. Or maybe you might get angry or even withdraw. Ideally, reacting gracefully is best. It helps me to keep in mind that the end result of the feedback–no matter how poorly it’s delivered–is improvement. Without feedback I can’t grow.
So, today’s show is a quick and dirty three-step process for gracefully receiving feedback and moving on.
Step 1: Welcome Feedback
The first step is to be enthusiastically open to receiving feedback–not just open–but enthusiastically open.
We perceive enthusiasm when someone talks slightly faster, when the pitch of their voice is slightly raised, when their mouth and eyes are smiling, and when their eyebrows are raised. Think about a child telling you, “Guess what, I’m going to Disneyland for my birthday!”
Of course, you don’t want to go that far. But, when someone says, “Would you like some feedback?” or “Let’s talk about some of the ways you can improve,” you should respond by first smiling (because that will naturally raise the pitch of your voice) and quickly saying “Sure.” You might even raise your eyebrows and slightly shake your head yes. If you are receiving feedback over the phone, still do these things, he or she will hear a difference in your voice.
Not only do you need to appear receptive, you need to really be receptive. Depending on the situation, it might be hard, so it’s a good idea to practice a consistent enthusiastic response. The hope is that your body will move your mind in the same positive direction.
Step 2: Encourage Listening and Understand
Growing up my father would always say, “Everyone’s entitled to their own misguided opinion.” I try to remind myself of that and encourage the person giving me feedback to talk by leaning in closer, squaring my body with their body, and giving them direct eye contact. I sometimes even write notes to myself that say, “Just listen” or “Don’t argue, Lisa” or “Breathe.” That helps me to listen and accept the comments for what they are: information.
To do this step right, you need to drill down. You need to understand your specific actions–that is–you need to understand the specific behavior that was perceived to be the problem. If he or she doesn’t give you specifics, you’ll need to ask for clarification or for examples. Say something like, “Can you help me understand this better? Can you give me some specific examples?” Once you understand, you can summarize the feedback in your own words. That tells the other person that you’ve been listening. It also gives the other person a chance to say, “No, what I meant was this…” or “Yes, exactly.”
Ultimately if you find the feedback true, then embrace it. Ask for help. Ask for recommendations.
Step 3: Respond (or Not)
Once you’ve confirmed your understanding, you need to say thank you. Doesn’t matter if you agree with the person or not, you just need to say, “Hey, thanks for giving me that feedback; I appreciate it.” That way you are encouraging them to continue giving you feedback.
But it’s important to realize that just because another person gives you feedback, it doesn’t automatically mean that their feedback is right. If after careful thought you disagree, it’s OK to objectively explain your point of view or just ignore it.
However, you always need to give it some real consideration. All feedback deserves some thought. No matter how poorly the criticism was delivered or how emotional it made you feel, you need to try it on to see if it rings true.
Most people need time and some distance for that. Sometimes, you might even want to check in with another person to get another perspective. Ultimately if you find the feedback true, then embrace it. Ask for help. Ask for recommendations.
If your actions have hurt someone, then you’ll need to apologize. Ask them what you can do to make it up to them. Ask them to help you make it right. If it’s your boss, ask her to help you create a strategy for success. Tell her you want even more regular feedback to help you keep on track. The idea is to embrace the feedback so you can grow and develop as a professional.
I’ll admit that sometimes in the heat of the discussion, I don’t follow this three-step process. But, I do always go through the steps eventually, because it’s valuable. I recognize that receiving feedback gracefully helps me to learn and grow from the experience.
This is Lisa B. Marshall. Passionate about communication; your success is my business.
If I specifically mention research, I usually include a link . Also, I sometimes provide additional comments and research on the The Public Speaker Facebook Page.
If you have a question, send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. For information about keynote speeches or workshops, visit lisabmarshall.com.
Additional Resources
Job Performance Feedback: Seven Tips for Receiving Feedback Gracefully
Giving and Receiving Feedback
Principles of Receiving Feedback
Image courtesy of Shutterstock
About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.