To Be or Not to Be Sorry
Is your kid really sorry?
Hey there! You’re listening to the Mighty Mommy with some Quick and Dirty Tips for Practical Parenting.
Thank you to Andrea who wrote in to ask for techniques on convincing her son to apologize. I’ve been researching this topic and was surprised to find out that it’s actually quite controversial. I had no idea. I’m definitely one of those moms who asks her children to apologize for bad behavior. It never occurred to me that there are parents out there who feel that this isn’t something we should force upon our children. I’m not saying these parents are telling their kids not to apologize; they simply aren’t forcing them to do so. I’m not taking sides in this matter, but will share with you what I feel I’ve learned through my research. Opinions are what they are and everybody is entitled to their own, right?
Learning to Apologize
Children do things that sometimes hurt other people. It happens. When kids are genuinely sorry for what they’ve done, they will most likely want to express themselves. Teaching a child to apologize and share his or her feelings is important. Sometimes children don’t understand why they are made to apologize and simply follow the instructions given by a parent. It’s more important that a child learn to respect other people’s feelings than to just learn to say the words, “I’m sorry.” Learning to say “sorry” isn’t very helpful if your child doesn’t understand or mean it. When you are dealing with toddlers, sometimes even up to the age of three, you are dealing with little people who still believe the world revolves around them. They don’t yet understand that other people have feelings too. For example, if they see a toy they want to play with, they might very well just go and take it out of the hands of one of their playmates. They might see their playmate get upset, cry, or try to take the toy back, but they will not necessarily feel any compassion for their friend. As parents we tend to say things like, “Give the toy back to your friend and say sorry.” That’s what I’ve always done and my kids have always complied. Well, almost always. Just because they did as they were told, doesn’t mean they understood what was going on. It’s important that you talk to your child about what is happening so that he can understand.
Teaching Your Child What it Means to Apologize
Before you start telling your child to practice the robotic routine of saying he’s sorry after each infraction take a moment to explain why. Let your child know right away that someone has been hurt, whether physically or emotionally. Have him put himself in the victim’s shoes. “Do you know how it feels when someone takes your toy away from you? Do you like the way that feels? You don’t want your friends to feel that way.” He probably doesn’t. You can then ask your child if he’d like to apologize to make his friend feel better. He may or may not want to. You, as an adult, can, and should, apologize on your child’s behalf if he’s not ready to do so himself. He might want to later or he might notice you apologizing and realize how it does make his friend feel better. Even if he doesn’t want to say the words “I’m sorry” he might be willing to say, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” You can work with your child on the language he’s most comfortable with, but eventually, he should be apologizing when necessary. We all have bad days and sometimes we make mistakes or bad choices. It happens to everyone, but we can make it better if we let people know we care and that we are trying. That’s what apologies are all about. Apologies shouldn’t be empty words; using different words would be better than simply saying something you don’t mean or understand.
Holding Children Accountable
Children need to be held accountable for their actions whether they apologize or not, and there may be situations where you feel that the empty apology might even be necessary: not just for your child, but for the victim or worse, the victim’s parent. If you are in a public place and your child wrongs another person with whom you aren’t acquainted, you may need to have your child apologize in order to keep peace. Because this is not a subject everyone agrees on, you, as a parent will need to decide what is best for each situation. If you feel that having your child mimic “I’m sorry” to a stranger, will prevent any further negativity on both sides, it’s certainly not going to hurt anyone, but it’s still important to make your child aware of what he’s done. Don’t simply have him say sorry and then go back to playing. If that’s your immediate reaction to a situation and your child does apologize quickly, you can then remove him from the situation and go over the rules with him again. Let him know what he’s done to hurt someone else and why he was asked to apologize.
Once children are older and start understanding other people have feelings too, they become more in tune to those feelings and can make their own choices about apologies. As a parent, you are simply a guide in this process of learning. And, don’t forget, as always, to be a good role model. If you do something to hurt someone, make sure you apologize, and you’d better mean it. Because if you don’t, your children will notice.
That’s it for now.
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