Transgender 101: 6 Essential Questions and Answers
Transgender individuals seem to be everywhere these days. From Laverne Cox to Bruce Jenner to Jeffrey Tambor (who isn’t trans, but plays one on TV), the transgender movement is making headlines. But this week, we’ll look beyond the celebrities and offer some FAQs about everyday trans men and women. Read the full transcript here: https://bit.ly/1HJmuIg
Ellen Hendriksen, PhD
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Transgender 101: 6 Essential Questions and Answers
For this week’s episode, I felt unqualified to represent a community that’s not my own, so I got some expert help: big thanks to listener Gabrielle Hermosa, advocate and public speaker for the transgender community. Gabrielle furthers transgender awareness, educates the public, and makes a positive difference across the country.
So, let’s start with the basics. 
Question #1: I’ve heard the term “gender identity” tossed around. What exactly is that? This is the heart of the matter. Your gender identity is your internal idea of yourself as a man or a woman (or something outside that binary, but that’s another podcast).
Gender identity is individual, but also aligns you with a group; namely, those who share your gender identity and all the cultural trimmings and trappings that go with that group—social roles, clothing, mannerisms, posture, speaking style, and general appearance.
If you were born into a body where your outer parts and your inner identity match, your term is cisgender—that’s C-I-S-gender, from the Latin for “on this side of.” The word “Trans” comes from the Latin for “on the other side of,” like a “trans-Atlantic flight.” So, if you’re a word nerd like me, transgender literally means “on the other side of gender.”
You can’t will yourself into a different gender identity any more than you can will yourself to be 2 inches taller. On the inside, you get what you get, so in the case of transgender individuals, it’s much more feasible (not that it’s easy) to change the outside to match the inside. Some trans folks do this through clothing, hairstyle, and makeup, and some use hormones or surgery, though it’s expensive and seldom covered by health insurance.
Question #2: This sounds different than being gay, straight, or bisexual. Is it? Indeed it is. Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Each of us has both. While your gender identity is who you are—your inner sense of being a man or a woman—your sexual orientation is based on to whom you’re attracted romantically and sexually—i.e. straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. And transgender people are as varied as cisgender people: you might be transgender and straight, cisgender and lesbian, transgender and gay—the combinations go on and on.
Question #3: Why have I suddenly been seeing this everywhere? Why is the trans movement such a big deal? Gender is a big deal. Everything is gendered, from restrooms to entire languages. And not internally matching your assigned biological sex creates some pretty serious dissonance, especially when the world creates roles and expectations based on the outer appearance that isn’t truly you.
Trans people aren’t new—there have been trans individuals since the dawn of humanity. But the new visibility and validation of transgender individuals is such a big deal because it draws attention to a community that has struggled in the margins, at least in this culture, for hundreds of years.
For instance, it is estimated that 41% of transgender individuals have attempted suicide. That’s almost half, which tells you how difficult it is to live in a body that doesn’t match who you are inside. It’s easy to spiral into hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness when strangers disparage you daily on the street, your family rejects you, or you feel like you’re living a lie.
See Also: 7 Myths About Suicide
The workplace isn’t much better: transgender individuals have twice the unemployment and are 4 times more likely to live in poverty than non-transgender folks. The vast majority of trans individuals report they’ve been harassed or discriminated against at work—indeed, it’s still legal to fire someone for being trans in 32 states.
Question #4: So the goal is to look like your target gender? Well, yes and no. Interestingly, the media hypes transgender folks who not only look like their target gender, but are attractive, to boot. Laverne Cox has some serious curves. Aydian Dowling, the trans man who, as of this writing, is leading the Men’s Health Ultimate Man cover model contest, is seriously ripped.
So, even with the trans movement marching firmly along, it’s particularly challenging for trans individuals who look like a man in a dress or a woman with a man’s haircut. Transgender individuals who look like their target gender can pass, or live their lives without being followed by double-takes and pointed fingers. By contrast, when a trans individual doesn’t pass, despite some fierce eyeliner skills or a handsome suit and tie, it’s called being read, or being clocked, which is the beginning of, at minimum, stares or stupid questions, and at maximum, name-calling, violence, or even hate crimes.
For some individuals, being able to pass is really important. It’s an external validation of their internal self. It’s a sense of congruence–the outside matches the inside. Other trans individuals don’t care whether they pass or not and welcome disrupting others’ assumptions. Either way, celebrating only those transgender individuals who can pass reinforces the erroneous idea that there’s only one way to be a woman or one way to be a man.
Question #5: The pronouns are so confusing! Which ones do I use? It’s OK to ask! In general, however, if someone identifies as transgender, you use the pronoun of his or her target gender. So, a transgender woman is a woman who was assigned male at birth and would likely appreciate “her” and “she.”
That said, many transgender individuals might not be quite so sure themselves about preferred pronouns. Bruce Jenner, for instance, in his recent interview with Diane Sawyer, referred to himself currently as ‘he’ and referred to his future self as ‘she.’ So, be patient if preferred pronouns change back and forth over months or years. Figuring this out is a process.
And while you should refrain from peppering a transgender colleague or acquaintance with personal questions, particularly about sex or medical procedures, it is definitely polite to ask what pronoun they’d prefer.
Question #6: Okay, I feel a little better about the pronouns, but I’m still unprepared. How do I talk with a trans individual without walking on eggshells or sounding like an idiot? At the end of the day, trans people are just people. Talk about the weather, the playoffs, the Nordstrom sale, or how the Apple Watch is overhyped—whatever you’d talk about with anyone.
That said, remember our episode on racial microaggressions? “You’re pretty for a dark girl”? “You’re so articulate”? The same concept applied with trans individuals—stay away from well-intentioned but ultimately insulting comments, such as “Wow, you look just like a real woman!” or “What’s your real name?” or “Are you pre-op or post-op?” Instead, simply say, “Love those shoes,” or better yet, “It’s so nice to meet you.”
Again, thanks to listener Gabrielle Hermosa for her guidance with this episode. You can connect with Gabrielle on her website, mycdlife.com.
Transgender image courtesy of Shutterstock.
About the Author
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen was the host of the Savvy Psychologist podcast from 2014 to 2019. She is a clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD). She earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. Her scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach is regularly featured in Psychology Today, Scientific American, The Huffington Post, and many other media outlets. Her debut book, HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, was published in March 2018.