What Are the Best Ways to Say No? (Part 3 of 3)
Learn 4 of the best ways to just say no.
Lisa B. Marshall
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What Are the Best Ways to Say No? (Part 3 of 3)
“Just say No”; do you remember that? It was a campaign created by Nancy Reagan to teach children various ways of saying no to drugs. Eventually, the phrase expanded and was applied to other realms, like violence, premarital sex, smoking, and other vices. In today’s last installment of our three part series on how to say no, I’ll cover The Public Speaker’s quick and dirty tips to “just say no.”
What Are the Best Ways to Say No?
In the previous installment of this series I covered a few models for saying no. But if you’re anything like me, more specific examples of what exactly to say when saying no would be helpful.
For me, the problem is that when I’m feeling stress, I sometimes have difficulty applying a model. That’s why I created and learned a few “no phrases” that I would be able to roll off my tongue even when I was under stress.
Just like Nancy Reagan, the goal of my “Just Say No” campaign is to provide you with a variety of phrases that you can use to say no. Think of them as polite and respectful “say no” sound bites that you can use at anytime. So, here are my 4 top tips on the best ways to say no. Ready?
Tip #1: Say Yes But No
Let’s start with “Yes, but no.” I’ve mentioned before that my father emphasized there’s always more than one way to phrase something. He used to say, “If something is black, you don’t have to say, ‘It’s black.’ You can simply say, ‘It’s not white.’” In his own way, he was trying to explain that in many situations (and as it turns out in many other cultures) being indirect is more polite and respectful. So applying this concept to saying no, we end up with his “yes, but no” structure. For example:
Me: “Dad, can I use the car on Friday night?”
Him: “Yes, honey, you may; however, I’d prefer that you try to find a ride with someone else.”
Although he didn’t say no, I knew that what he meant was that I really needed to try to find a ride–and then if I absolutely had no other option, then he would let me use the car.
Another variation on this same structure that he also used frequently:
“Yes, you can, but that wouldn’t be my first choice.”
He would use this phrase when he wanted me to take responsibility for suggesting a mutually agreeable alternative without him having to spell out a specific alternative or, more importantly, without him having to outright say no.
Tip #2: Add a Compliment But Still Say No
Another set of “just say no” sound bites that I often use in a professional setting start with a compliment and end with a no.
Wow, what a great cause and opportunity. Thanks for asking. Unfortunately I’m unable to attend.
X sounds like a lot of fun, I’d love to help with Y …BUT
I’m unable to attend because of a previous commitment.
This approach leaves the door open for another opportunity. The idea is to paraphrase the request in the form of a compliment before going on to say no. This approach emphasizes having the requester feel heard and respected.
Tip#3: Say No with a Brief Reason
Sometimes, depending on the relationship, you may want to provide a bit more detail as to why you need to say no. In business this generally boils down to time, money, or skills.
For example:
Unfortunately, my schedule doesn’t allow.
I am in the middle of several projects and it would be difficult to do a good job if my focus was too divided.
I have no experience with that/I don’t enjoy that kind of work so it’s not a great fit for me.
I have every confidence that you/the event will succeed without me, and I suspect you/it will be great!
(This last one is especially meant for those who ask you to do something when they are lacking the self-confidence to do it themselves.)
Sometimes you’ll have reasons that you prefer not to share. Perhaps it’s because of the people involved, or perhaps it’s because of ethical or moral implications. In this case, don’t feel obligated to share your specific reason. It’s best to just say, “I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable with that.” And leave it at that. If for some reason they press you as to why you are uncomfortable, simply repeat the phrase, “I’m just uncomfortable, sorry. But thanks for thinking of me.”
Tip #4: A Say No with a Brief Reason Alternative
Just like Ury’s model it’s always good to wrap up a “no” sound bite by offering an alternative (if one is possible).
For example, “Thanks for requesting my friendship on Facebook. I also think networking is important. I’m very keen on separating my personal life from my professional life. I would love for you to join my professional network on LinkedIn. Can I send you a request?”
Strategies for Younger Listeners
Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include some “just say no” phrases for my younger listeners. You know, for those times you might be feeling a bit of pressure from your friends to do something you know your parents wouldn’t want you to do.
One approach that I have suggested to my own kids is to blame the “no” on me. “I’m sorry my mom doesn’t want me to.” Or perhaps for a teenager, “No thanks, my mom would smell the smoke. She’s allergic to smoke and is very sensitive to the smell of it.”
Another option is to take a strong stand so that everyone knows just not to ask you ever again. “What are you kidding? No way! Cigarettes do horrible things to your body.”
Finally, no matter how old you are or what the request is, Nancy Reagan’s advice of “just say no” really does work. You might be surprised at just how effective a plain and simple “No, thanks.” really is. (Just make sure you say it in a way that conveys you don’t think the request is a big deal.)
This is The Public Speaker, Lisa B. Marshall, passionate about communication your success is my business.
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If you have a question, send email to publicspeaker@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. For information about keynote speeches or workshops, visit lisabmarshall.com.
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About the Author
Lisa B. Marshall Lisa holds masters with duel degrees in interpersonal/intercultural communication and organizational communication. She’s the author of Smart Talk: The Public Speaker’s Guide to Success in Every Situation, as well as Ace Your Interview, Powerful Presenter, and Expert Presenter. Her work has been featured in CBS Money Watch, Ragan.com, Woman’s Day, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, and many others. Her institutional clients include Johns Hopkins Medicine, Harvard University, NY Academy of Science, University of Pennsylvania, Genentech, and Roche.