When to Bite Your Tongue
Before you say something you regret and cause damage to your relationships, check out Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips for knowing when to bite your tongue.
Richie Frieman
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When to Bite Your Tongue
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article about the proper time to walk away from an argument, allowing you to save face and dignity. Many Modern Manners Guy Facebook readers seemed to have similar experiences as the examples I described in that article.
However, another issue came up along the same lines. And that is biting your tongue before saying something that causes irrevocable damage to your relationship..
Of the two reactions to an argument – walking away and biting your tongue – both require willpower and restraint, The difference is that biting your tongue is less confrontational and can likely prevent the altercation altogether.
So before you regret saying something, check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for how to bite your tongue:
Tip #1: Is It Your Fight?
As I mentioned in my article about walking away from an argument, there are situations in which things got overheated rather fast. When you walk away, you physically remove yourself from the altercation and take the high road. When you bite your tongue, it’s more of a mental situation, rather than physical. You are not revealing all your thoughts, you’re stopping and managing your temper.
Sometimes when you have to bite your tongue, you are on the outside looking in and want to say something but aren’t too sure if you should. For example, the other day at a restaurant, I overheard a young couple on the verge of a break-up. I wasn’t eavesdropping, mind you, they just happened to be speaking – er, shouting – loud enough for everyone at the restaurant across the street to hear. Part of me wanted to get up and say something, but the other part stopped to ask myself: Whose fight is it really? Theirs – as the key players – or mine, as the annoyed patron? And that’s the first hint in knowing when to properly bite your tongue, rather than get involved.
Think of it this way, even if you feel you have something to say, is it your place? What will happen as a result of you speaking up? As a manners guru, I wanted to tell the “lovebirds” that they were being rude, and urge them to take their loud conversation somewhere else. As an adult, I wanted to tell them to just break up and be done with it. However, as I thought about it, I came to the realization that this was not may battle. I was an outsider looking/hearing in and it was up to them to work this out. So I bit my tongue and took another bite of my burger.
Tip #2: How Invested Are You?
In my situation at the restaurant, the culprits of the disturbance were a pair of teenagers going through one of the many ridiculous quarrels teens have. Not to diminish the romances of 16-year-olds, but when the argument is over why Person A did not “Like” Person B’s photo on Facebook…well, we have to admit that the stakes aren’t that high.
See also: When to Intervene in an Argument
That said, if things suddenly got physical or threatening, then I’d certainly take the time to step into a situation where someone may get hurt. But this was different. I did not feel that same impulse to intervene over a silly shouting match.
As I said in Tip #1, this was not my fight. As well, it was not my place to sit down with them and offer a counceling session. That’s more of a job for my fellow Quick and Dirty Tips host, the Savvy Psychologist. I however, was not prepared to go 12 rounds over teenage Facebook dilemmas.
So when faced with a situation in which you’d like to intervene, ask yourself: How invested am I in the outcome of this? If the true answer is, “Not that much,” then bite your tongue and move on. Save yourself the trouble.
Tip #3: Avoid Stupid People
First of all, let me say, I hate the word “stupid.” It’s a nasty word that cuts deeper than we realize, and I try to avoid it all costs.
However, I do use the word when dealing with complete ignorance and bigotry. When I see someone behaving rudely or callously, I don’t actually say the ugly word (that would never solve anything), but I do think it and then I make note of yet another person I do not care to be around. After all, when someone is so enraged with stupidity that his or her beliefs defy all logic, it’s a pretty good sign that they will never want to elegantly debate with an open mind. With this sort of person, it’s best to avoid the argument altogether and bite your tongue.
Just to be clear, biting your tongue is not the same as giving up or backing down — it’s taking the high road. When you avoid a pointless argument, it’s like that elbow to your side from a close friend saying, “Buddy, just let this one go.” And this can’t be more true than when dealing with stupidity.
You will never win a debate with someone who is infuriated and can’t see they are making a fool of themselves. You may diffuse it, but it’s hard to win. So after you ask yourself the questions from Tips #1 and #2, you will likely realize that it’s not your fight and you aren’t truly invested. That’s why avoiding a confrontation is the best defense against someone who has a belief that is so opposing to your own that you can only just shake your head…and bite your tongue.
Have you been in a situation where you had to bite your tongue? As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career. Check out my book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It’s available now!
Man biting tongue image courtesy of Shutterstock.