When Your Boss Wants to Be Your Bestie…
Being the boss’ best friend isn’t always a perk. Modern Manners Guy tackles one reader’s problem – her boss likes her too much!
Richie Frieman
Modern Manners Guy Facebook friend Sara emailed me with the subject line, “Big problem with my boss.”
I love a good “My boss is a beast” story, so I was expecting to hear something like, “My boss is bullying me…” or “My boss hovers over me while I’m working…” However, Sara’s issue was that her boss, we’ll call her Margot, wanted to be her best friend. I guess the silver lining is that it could be worse – your boss could hate you and try to get you fired. But as Sara went into her story, I realized that your boss liking you isn’t necessarily a perk.
First off, let’s get one thing clear: This wasn’t a romantic situation. Sara’s boss wasn’t trying to seduce her. It was more like the nerdy kid in school trying to win over the quarterback. Margot would give Sara less work than other members of the team, asked her out to lunch frequently, and even texted Sara during the day like friends do.
The thing is, this was not a mutual exchange. Sara finds Margot irritating and even rude. As well, Margot isn’t well respected by her other employees, so Margot’s over the top fondness of Sara doesn’t exactly help her cause since people see the obvious favoritism.
Still, how do you say, “I think we need a break” to your boss?
I’m always on the fence about the boss and employee “friendship” – and I use that term loosely. Friends have your back through thick and thin, while a boss is mainly worried about the bottom line (no matter how cool you are) and may one day have to fire you. Trust me, being “besties” ends real quick when that happens. This is why I often advocate keeping a distance between yourself and your boss.
It’s tough to find the balance between friendship and the employer-employee relationship. In Sara’s case, her boss clearly stepped over the line. She doesn’t know the different between “boss friendly” and “friend friendly.” Sara has every right to be annoyed. It’s not that she’s ungrateful, or even flattered. But she also knows that saying something could possibly hurt her career.
The way out of this situation is to be two steps ahead of her boss.
Lunch? “Oh, I’m sorry but John already asked me to go to lunch today. Thank you though.”
Carpooling? “Thanks, but I actually have a ride from Mary. I figured you’d have to stay later to talk to the other team members, right?”
Plans after work? “This week is crazy with errands and houseguests. But maybe next week?”
Texts during off-hours? Don’t respond right away. Wait a few hours and then type back, “Sorry, I left my phone on silent…” or “Sorry, my toddler threw my phone into the toilet…”
You can’t shut your boss out completely but you also can’t be blamed if you have legitimate excuses for why you can’t hang out.
If your boss can’t draw the line, you have to. You also have to make sure your colleagues know that you’re serious about working and dedicated to the team. If others feel like there’s favoritism – even if out of your control – you have to do your best to change that vibe. And if gentle distancing is what it takes, then so be it.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my new book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It’s available now!
Woman annoyed with boss image courtesy of Shutterstock.