When Your Spouse and Best Friend Don’t Get Along
When two of the most important people in your life don’t get along, it can be a major challenge. But before you throw in the towel, try Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips to defuse the situation and (hopefully) mend fences.
Richie Frieman
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When Your Spouse and Best Friend Don’t Get Along
One challenging aspect of being married is managing the relationships between your spouse and the other people in your life (aka, your family and your friends).
I’ve talked about dicey in-law relationships before (check out my episode How to Handle Rude In-Laws). But what if the problem isn’t about family? What if the issue is between your spouse and your close friend? I don’t mean the kind of thing where your friend is kinda-sorta annoying and your spouse would rather not be around them. No, I’m talking about a profound dislike between one or both parties who are super important to you.
Even though it may be tough to keep the peace, there is no other option. You’re not going to give up your spouse or your closest friend, so the only possibility is to find a common ground.
Find out how with my 3 quick and dirty tips for handling bad blood between your spouse and your friend(s)..
Tip #1: Talk it Out
Maybe it’s because I’m a huge fan of the Savvy Psychologist podcast, but I like to think that everyone can work out their problems if they are open and willing.
Take Denise as an example. She can’t stand her husband Jerry’s best friend Scott. She tolerated Scott’s frat boy behavior in college, but over time things didn’t improve. In fact, they got worse. At their wedding, Scott’s drunken dance moves and belligerent behavior upset her tremendously. Although usually wisdom comes with age, Scott has only aged physically, not mentally.
The relationship has gotten to the point where Denise can’t stand to be around Scott at all. Sure, it’s easier for Jerry to just limit the interaction between Denise and Scott whenever possible, but that’s not a permanent solution. As we all know, avoidance is rarely the answer to a problem.
So when a stubborn line is drawn in the sand, and you feel very passionate about not letting things get to the point of no return, you have to try and talk it out.
I know you may think that talking it out is a very “earthy-crunchy” approach, but this is really the most mature and effective tactic. As the person in between, it’s your way of saying, “Enough is enough. Let’s lay out all the cards and solve this thing.”
The key is to open up a healthy dialogue so you can come to some sort of truce. For Jerry, I recommend getting his wife and his best friend in a room together and saying, “Look, you two are key people in my life and I understand there is some animosity. I’m not asking you to be best friends, just to learn how to tolerate one another when we’re together.” Or, try another tactic, something like, “I hope you see how hard this situation is for me. Please, let’s figure out how to stop the fighting.”
Tip #2: Laugh About It
If you’ve listened to or read any of my previous Modern Manners Guy episodes, you know I often preach the benefits of using humor to defuse a situation. I do this because laughter is scientifically proven to be best medicine (er, OK, maybe not actually scientifically, but it’s surely more affordable than seeing a therapist). Like many medicines, laughter won’t necessarily “cure” your ails, but it will alleviate tension. So why not use laughter in this super tense situation?
If Jerry’s wife and friend refuse to talk it out, he should try humor. As the great Milton Berle once said, “Laughter is an instant vacation.” The goal is to make the two people at each other’s throats step back, relax, and see things in a new light. They’re probably never going to be besties, but maybe they can take small steps toward civility.
Choose a moment when they’re both around and gently, but wittily, mock their strained relationship. Try something like:
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“Denise, I’ll be back later. I’m going to help Scott pick out a Valentine’s Day present for you. Do you prefer pink or red roses?”
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“Denise, Scott has a big date this weekend. Can you help him pick out something to wear? And before you say it, no, a paper bag on his head won’t do.”
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“Look at you two standing there so happy to be in each other’s company. Can’t you just feel the love in the air? I can. Come on, group hug!”
Could this be perceived as annoying? Possibly. But when two people put their stubbornness ahead of common sense, the thing to do is to call them out on it. Using comedy makes for a softer approach. Plus, it can give them something in common – they can both be annoyed with you! (Hey, it’s a start).
Tip#3: Fake it Till You Make it
There is a big difference between faking something and denying it.
For example, when I listen to “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” with my son on repeat, I fake my enjoyment for his sake. However, no matter how many times I listen to it, I never try to convince myself that it’s anything other than pure torture (the current total is at 14,689 times…but who’s counting?). See the difference?
When you’ve exhausted the strategies in Tips #1 and #2, the last resort to managing the bad blood between your spouse and friend is to simply fake it. I’m not advocating denial – I’m saying that if you want to have both people in your life, and you can’t help them work out their differences, you will have to accept the situation as is.
For example, when Denise and Jerry hosted a dinner party at their house for Jerry’s birthday, Jerry wanted to invite Scott. When Denise refused, Jerry did his best to tone down the fireworks. He said, “I know you don’t like him, but he’ll be at the other end of the table and you won’t even notice him. Plus, I’ll make sure his wine glass isn’t refilled too many times. Now, let’s work on the menu for the party.” Since it was Jerry’s birthday, Denise had to relent.
When it came time for the party, Denise didn’t want anything to do with Scott, even going so far as to ignore him completely. The worst thing Jerry could have done was to bring more attention to this. So instead of saying, “Why are you being so rude to Scott?” he simply pretended not to see it. This way everyone got to have a good time at the party without it coming to blows.
So if nothing you’ve tried has worked, fake it for the time being, and then revisit Tips #1 and #2 when possible.
As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It’s available now!
Angry couple image courtesy of Shutterstock.
Laughing people image courtesy of Shutterstock.