Is Being An Unexpected Guest Bad Manners?

Our friend Chris dropped by the email bag with a question about spontaneously visiting friends or family.

Is Being an Unexpected Guest Bad Manners?

Chris asked, “What is the best way to do unexpected/surprise visits at someone’s house and actually get in the door?

Thank you for the email , Chris!

I have two important questions for you. What is the need for your surprise visit? Why are you looking to suddenly get in the door?

Of course, there are times when you might need to talk to someone in person or borrow something, but those situations should be few and far between. When you drop in unannounced, it is usually a burden on your host. Burden is a strong word, but I need to make that point very clear. People get up in the morning and plan their day–the more efficient folks plan things to the minute. Though this might seem like a rigid way to move through a day, many people like to get the pressing things out of the way so they can spend quality, stress-free time with friends and family. When you show up suddenly, the whole plan can be thrown off. At this point you go from being a nice person who is sure to be invited to the next event, to the cause of a stressful moment in someone’s otherwise pleasant day.

There certainly are people in the world who love to have anyone drop by at any time and just can’t wait for that little surprise; however, that does not sound like the type of person you wrote in about.

Always Call Ahead

It is imperative that you call ahead or send an email when you want to visit someone. That is a common courtesy for many reasons. Your friend could have other company, be in the middle of laundry and have unmentionables strewn around the living area, be headed out the door for an important event, or be busy with their kids’ bath time and any break from routine would send the yard apes into a frenzy.

When you stop by someone’s home, it almost always makes them feel like they need to be your host. So when you drop by unexpectedly your friend will most likely feel the need to stop whatever he was doing; everyone else and everything else takes a back seat to you. You are the one who is in the wrong, but it puts your soon to be ex-friend an awkward position.

If he has to tell you it’s a bad time for you to visit, there will be some emotion tied to that. It could be frustration directed at you, but it will usually be that your victim feels terrible that they had to tell you to go away. It is not appropriate to knowingly put anyone in that situation.

Graciously Accept a Rain Check

When inquiring about a potential visit, you should be respectful of their response. Getting your friend on the phone or leaving a message about your eventual visit does not mean that you are guaranteed passage through the front door. Politely make your request to stop by. Say something like, “I’m going to be in your area this afternoon and would like to stop by for a bit. However, I know it is last minute. I understand if you don’t have the time.” Leave them a way out and graciously accept any answer they give. If they need to take a rain check, you have proven yourself a responsible friend and will continue to be thought of fondly.

On the other side of the coin, I am actually saying that it’s okay to turn people down when they make that type of call to your home or office. If you aren’t able to entertain guests, offer your friends your regrets and make sure they know you won’t be able to host them currently. It’s good to offer a rain check. It’s better to put those friends on the short list of people invited over for dinner next.

What to Do About an Unannounced Office Guest

Visiting someone at their place of employment without notice can be just as bad. Some places are relaxed enough for that kind of thing, but when you show up unannounced at someone’s office, you are not just interrupting their day–you are also being disrespectful to the whole company. Work time is for work time. Spontaneously taking your friend away from work time could bring their integrity into question and cause problems that might linger long after you have gone.

Again, call ahead and be ready to accept no for an answer.

Friends are those who stand beside us against a cruel world. If you are the one causing stress in someone’s life by showing up unannounced all the time, you will be less and less likely to be seen as a friend. Call, send a text, or even send your request in an email, but always be prepared for a “no.” Drop by unannounced only if absolutely necessary.

If someone unexpectedly shows up at your home, certainly make any effort to welcome them in; however, I am authorizing you to tell them it is a bad time and to ask if they wouldn’t mind giving you a little more advanced notice next time. I’m also authorizing you to feel good about yourself if you have to do that.

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Thank you for joining me for another of The Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life. 

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Door Knocking image courtesy of Shutterstock