Negotiation Tactics 101: Start With Emotion

Negotiation expert Stuart Diamond settled the year-old Hollywood writer’s strike in just three days. How? He talks about it in his new book Getting More and in an interview I did with him.  Stuart says the vast majority of negotiating is about the emotional relationship. Until both parties are on an even emotional keel, any attempt to discuss the “substance” of the deal will be derailed.

Emotion Will Trump Reason

Consider this example: Bernice is planning her wedding. She wants to ask her friend Europa to use her Aspen ski lodge for the event. She doesn’t want to alert her boyfriend Melvin that they’re getting married (that would spoil the surprise), so she is handling her own negotiations. 

Oops! Europa is pissed because Bernice won’t hire a Emperor Norton’s Stationery Marching Band to perform at the wedding.  Europa is upset and lashing out. You might think this will give her an advantage, by making her aggressive and more able to knock Bernice off-balance. But in fact, research shows that emotional upset leads to poorer outcomes, even for the person who “wins” the negotiation.

Emotions cloud judgment. When we’re depressed, angry, or frustrated, we make black-or-white decisions. We aren’t likely to find creative solutions that satisfy everyone. Your negotiation may be as major as negotiating for a new job, or as small as deciding a restaurant for dinner with your spouse. No matter the size, before you address the substance of your negotiation, make sure emotions are in order.

Make Emotional Payments

Start your negotiation by getting the person into a better emotional state, where they can think clearly. Do this by making positive emotional payments.

To figure out their individual needs, you need to understand them. What do they want? Do they need concessions? Empathy and understanding? Acknowledgement? Apology? Put yourself in their shoes and find out. If it’s someone who reveals their most intimate secrets on their public Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google+ pages, you might even take a peek there.

That’s exactly what Bernice does. She imagines what it’s like to be Europa. Europa is a rich former pop star who controls a significant percentage of the Eastern Bloc. In her thought experiment, Bernice realizes that Europa feels lonely and empty, pining for her innocent childhood, free of intrigue, playing Pirate Twins on the beach with her friend Thomas. It’s this emotional void that has motivated her lifelong lust for power. (“It is true!” she cries from the next room, in a moment of uncharacteristic vulnerability.)

Bernice’s emotional payments can be in the form of overtures of friendship. She might invite Europa over for tea and scones. Organic tea, of course, and gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free, carb-free scones. Or she could invite Europa to join the girls for lunch. Once she and Europa have deepened their relationship and Europa’s emotions have settled, it is a good time to discuss Emperor Norton’s Stationery Marching Band.

Choose the Emotional Payment to Fit the Negotiation

Emotional payments are often simple, though we may struggle. We may need to apologize for something we’ve been obstinate about. Or perhaps just offer a kind word and some empathy.

One way to find empathy and love with your negotiating partner is, of course, to find a common enemy to hate.

For example: Your flight is delayed. You and 1,319 other stranded travelers—your competition for the 3 standby slots—are standing in line for the one exhausted-looking gate agent to get your flight rebooked. Open your discussion with the gate agent by using empathy. “You look exhausted! It must be quite a trial dealing with 1,319 disgruntled passengers.”

Now that you have a common enemy, make an emotional payment. Offer the gate agent some water. You treat her like a human being (graciously overlooking the fact that she has 3 heads, two of which spit fire), sympathize, and unite against those other passengers who are making both your lives miserable. After being yelled at, degraded, abused, and frazzled by everyone else, your interaction might be such a breath of fresh air that she offers you a seat on the last commuter flight to your destination before the blizzard hits.

Be Ethical

Only make emotional payments from a place of sincerity. Otherwise, you’re offering emotional connection simply as a way of using the other person. First, that’s just plain tacky (Modern Manners Guy would definitely agree). Second, if you get a reputation for insincerity, your future negotiations will be stymied by a lack of trust.

Of course, you could be one of the “lucky” 10% of the population who’s sociopathic and untroubled by matters of conscience. In that case, it’s still in your best interest to form genuine emotional attachments. If they care about you, they just might take care of you in your old age.

This Works Everywhere

You can start making emotional payments today. Look to your disgruntled co-workers and find a way to gruntle them. If your sweetie is acting sour, it’s time for a surprise dinner out. When the person at the Department of Motor Vehicles is driving you nuts, compliment their shirt and make them feel good. Just remember, you want to start with emotion: put yourself in their shoes, find a common enemy, empathize, and make emotional payments.

For information about my coaching, workshops, and products, visit SteverRobbins.com.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

RESOURCES

• stuart diamond interview – Stuart Diamond interviewed by Stever Robbins
• Getting More, Stuart Diamond’s book
• ensmb – Emperor Norton’s Stationary Marching Band