How to Read Email for Sane Online Discussion
How to receive heated email and still keep your cool while you read it.
Life would be so much easier if we didn’t have emotions and were all like Mr. Spock (or Ms., or Zs. Spock). In my episode on writing emotional email, we explore how to write email so it doesn’t provoke the recipient. Today we’re going to explore the other side: how to read email so it doesn’t provoke you.
Here There Be Trolls
As long as internet discussion groups have been around, there have been trolls. In the stories, trolls live under bridges. They are hairy, loathsome creatures, dripping of foul-smelling goo. Their putrid breath causes small children to run away in horror, and the slimy remains of their last meal ooze down their Star Trek T-shirts … oh, wait, I’m describing real life trolls, too.
Real life internet trolls are the people who believe it’s their job to make others feel bad, provoke them, and get them angry. Some do it intentionally, and everyone knows they’re trolls. Others shave their back hair, put on clothes from Banana Republic, and pretend to be reasonable people. Until they put fingers to keyboard.
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Read With Multiple Voice Tones
“Stever, I just got a message from Europa. She’s insulting me!” My pal Bernice was verklempt. She showed me the message from Europa:
Dear Bernice,
I can’t believe the job you did on the new sales brochure, without even consulting me. I’ve never seen anything like it. The pictures, the words, the editorial … Let’s just say it’s obvious your first attempt at a brochure is clearly superior to anything I would have come up with.
Sincerely, Europa
Wow. What a letter. But it could be read two different ways (check out the audio podcast above to hear the difference).
Same words, 180-degree opposite meaning.
Same words, 180-degree opposite meaning. That’s because emotion is transmitted through voice tone, while the words simply guide the interpretation of the emotion. When you are reading something online that gets you all steamed up, it’s almost certainly because you’re reading it in a nasty, attacking, or sarcastic voice tone. Instead, try reading it like a cartoon character. Or in a seductive tone of voice. Even very negative words can be read this way and you won’t have the same reaction. Try this:
You know you’re totally wrong. You’re just making stuff up. You parents wear combat boots, and you’re a doody-head.
Even that personal attack sounds great when read in a seductive tone of voice.
When you receive email or read something online that triggers you, read it again in a variety of voice tones. The intent may even have been negative, but why should you let a troll push your buttons? Instead, just change the voice tone, and then that evil, awful troll whose beard smells of Doritos and M&Ms won’t get a rise out of you and instead, skulk off to bother someone else.
Ask “Is This True?”
Sometimes buttons get pushed because someone writes something true. My client Johina (not her real name) said, “I feel like a fraud in the executive suite.” “Why?” I asked. “Because I know they’re all thinking I’m the youngest in the room, that I was just promoted because I worked with the CEO before, and that I don’t have industry experience.”
“Are you the youngest in the room?” I asked. “Yes.” “Were you promoted because of your relationship with the CEO?” “Yes.” “Do you have industry experience?” “No.” “Well then…”
Johina burst out laughing, realizing that the emotional response was silly. The defensiveness and upset was not due to unreasonable accusations, but to perfectly reasonable observations and truth.
One of the problems of being human is that when we recognize unpleasant truths about ourselves, we get defensive and project that defensiveness on other people. But really, we just need to own it.
When someone writes in an online political discussion – which never get emotional and heated – “You’re just supporting that policy because you’ll benefit from it,” don’t fly off the handle. Stop, take a deep breath, read it in a new voice tone, and ask yourself: Is this true? You might discover that, yes, you’ll benefit from it and yes, that’s why you support it.
When you feel like someone’s attacking you, hold your fire. Ask “Are they telling the truth?” If the answer is no, you can still say “I won’t benefit from it, I’m supporting this policy because I think it’s a super-good policy!” But if the answer is yes, it is true, you can calm down and say, “You’re right. I’ll benefit from it. And I still support the policy.”
The more you run your relationships online, the more you risk ruining them, unless you know how to write and read email without letting the emotion run amok. When you read something emotional, read it in several voice tones, so you defuse the emotional charge of reading it just once, in a bad tone. And always consider that what seems like an insult may simply be someone telling the truth. If so, own it. They’ll be happier, and so will you.
This is Stever Robbins. I coach highly successful people in stepping up to the next level in their life, career, and dreams. If you want to know more, visit Stever Robbins.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
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About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
