Dinner Party Etiquette: How to Handle Dietary Restrictions?
You’re likely to be invited to a number of dinner parties during the holiday season. But what if you have dietary restrictions? How should you handle that without seeming rude? Modern Manners Guy joins Nutrition Diva to discuss the etiquette of special dietary needs.
My friend Richie Frieman is the host of the Modern Manners Guy podcast and he’s joining me today for a very special Nutrition Diva episode to talk about dinner parties. More specifically, the etiquette involved when guests have special dietary needs or requests.
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Nutrition Diva: This is a time of year when a lot of us are entertaining more and also going to parties at other people’s houses. How should guests let their hosts know about dietary restrictions—especially for a sit down dinner?
Modern Manners Guy: Whenever you have a dietary concern or issue that will affect how you’ll feel at someone’s home, I suggest you bring it up with the hosts ahead of time. Trust me, the host/hostess wants everyone to be happy, and the last thing they want is for a guest to not enjoy themselves because of something they did or did not provide. As well, think about how everyone (especially the host) will feel when everyone sits down for the meal and you don’t even touch the appetizer. People will think you’re being rude or that there is something wrong with the food. Always ask ahead of time. Drop an email, give a call. It never hurts to say something. Do not think of this as being picky or intruding either. You’re simply letting them know your situation.
ND: From an etiquette point of view, is there a difference between a medically necessary restriction (such as a Celiac who needs to avoid gluten) and other dietary choices (such as an ethical decision to avoid animal products)?
No one will be upset if you can’t eat something because of allergies. But it’s always best to say something ahead of time.
MMG: If you can’t eat something because you suffer from Celiac disease and need to avoid gluten in order to stay healthy, you should not feel bad about avoiding the tasty, wheat-filled cake. This is not your fault. The host cannot be annoyed at this – it’s not like you chose for your intestines to be bad at digesting proteins!
The same thing goes for not wanting to eat something just because of a personal preference like red meat versus white meat. Bottom line, if you don’t eat something normally – for whatever reason – you don’t have to at a dinner party! I would never be mad at a vegetarian for not wanting to try my bacon burgers. That’s really insensitive. However, the rudeness issue happens if a guest shuns a plate because they look down upon the cooking or the ingredients. Like, “I never eat that brand. I only like the organic.” That’s being rude.
Bottom line, if you have a special diet, always say something to the hosts ahead of time. If you don’t eat red meat, let them know. If you are Celiac, that is majorly important. As is someone with a peanut allergy or a similar issue. Always speak up. You won’t be kicked out. I promise!
ND: Should guests with dietary restrictions or preferences offer to bring their own food? What if they are staying overnight? If they bring their own gluten-free crackers or tofu burgers (or whatever), should they bring enough for everyone?
MMG: I love this question! This is something many people stress about, and I always recommend bringing food for yourself if you like. I have a friend who is a competitive athlete and when he has a match coming up, and he’s invited to a dinner party, he brings his own meals. Yes, he feels a little weird but it’s better than not coming at all. His diet is intense and he only eats very particular foods prepared in a very particular way. He doesn’t want to burden anyone with this.
At the end of the day, it’s your company they want. That’s what’s most important. Also, by bringing your own food, you show the hosts the kinds of things you can eat. And if this becomes an ongoing dinner party thing, then you can work with them to incorporate some of these foods into their menus. This way they don’t go out and spend money on the wrong food because they think you would like it.
ND: Of course, it’s hard to bring your own food without drawing attention to it and nutrition is one of those fields where there are a lot of strong—and often conflicting—opinions. I don’t want to spend a dinner party defending my dietary choices. What’s the best way to fend off unwelcome advice or opinions from others about our diet choices?
MMG: When someone is giving you a hard time about what you do or do not eat (which I may add, is highly unmannerly), the best thing to do is divert the discussion. This is not always easy, but can be done. For example: Let’s say a fellow guest keeps asking why you don’t eat red meat. The worst you can do is get defensive – that will shine the spotlight on you even more. Instead, flip the tables. Try something like, “How do you like your meat prepared?”… “I love to grill too!…Do you prefer gas or charcoal?” This way you can take the conversation away from the uncomfortable area and find a middle ground on something you have in common. You never want to feed their rudeness and curiosity by getting heated and defending yourself.
ND: How about kids who are very picky eaters? If the whole family is invited for a meal, should parents bring food that they know the kids will eat? Discuss it with the host ahead of time? Tell the kids to suck it up and eat what they’re served?
There comes a time when you have to show respect for what your hosts serve and also step outside your comfort zone.
MMG: As a father of two – ages 5 and 18 months – we are always bringing our own food for the kids wherever we go. Whether it’s to a restaurant or a friend’s house, we always containers with stuff ready to go. It’s just a way of life as a parent. If you don’t have kids, this may seem annoying and ridiculous. But if you’ve ever been to a dinner and saw kids losing their minds, I’d bet it was because they were hungry or unsatisfied.
If there is food at the place you’re visiting, that’s great. Perhaps the kids will try something new for a change. But having a back-up is key. Now, if your kids are older, I’d say 10 or more, they should be able to suck it up and deal. Do they have to eat all? No. But they should give it a try. There comes a time when you have to show respect for what your hosts serve and also step outside your comfort zone.
ND: How do we teach children to be gracious in the event that they are served food they don’t like in a social situation? How do we teach children with food restrictions to handle themselves in social situations?
MMG: The best way to teach your kids proper manners around food is to put them into as many social situations as possible and show them how to behave. Even though it’s hard to take kids to restaurants, it’s still best to make a practice of it. I mean, even the most angelic toddler won’t always behave, but does that mean you can’t ever leave the house? No way! Kids will definitely get bored at their relatives’ house, but does that mean you never visit? Absolutely not.
You need to expose your kids to real life situations so that they can learn to cope and act appropriately. As well, always show and explain to them how (and why) you’re handling something. Kids mimic us all the time and you’d be surprised what they copy if you let them see you in action.
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ND: Thanks, Richie, for the solid advice. In addition to his weekly Modern Manners Guy podcast, Richie also has a new book out. It’s called Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career and it’s full of great advice for navigating the modern workplace. Find it wherever you buy books or in our QDT store.
Feel free to leave your comments and questions below or on the Nutrition Diva Facebook page. I hope you enjoyed our special video podcast. I’ll be back next week with more quick and dirty tips for eating well and feeling fabulous. Until then, be sure to eat something good for me!
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About the Author
Monica Reinagel is a board-certified licensed nutritionist, author, and the creator of one of iTunes’ most highly ranked health and fitness podcasts. Her advice is regularly featured on the TODAY show, Dr. Oz, NPR, and in the nation’s leading newspapers, magazines, and websites. Do you have a nutrition question? Call the Nutrition Diva listener line at 443-961-6206. Your question could be featured on the show.
