Can You Post Condolences on Facebook?
Facebook is a fast and easy way to get your thoughts out there, but a certain line of etiquette gets crossed when a sad personal experience becomes a public one. If you must post your condolences on Facebook, make sure to follow Modern Manners Guy’s 3 tips for doing it properly.
Richie Frieman
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Can You Post Condolences on Facebook?
In an article I wrote a little while back called Sorry for Your Loss…But I Have to Run I talked about how rude it is for people to rush through their condolences. Being a friend is not based on a point system with checks for good behavior. Good friends are there through it all and make time for one another.
But nowadays, with so many avenues of communication available to us, some people prefer to send their condolences to friends via Facebook. I understand that Facebook is a fast and easy way to get your thoughts out there, but a certain line of etiquette gets crossed when a sad personal experience becomes a public one..
So before you fumble for the right way to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” check out my top 3 quick and dirty tips for how to properly post your condolences on social media without looking like an insensitive jerk:
Tip #1: The TMI Culture
As much as I love social media, it’s become a playground for people of the TMI (Too Much Information) culture. Just because you’re thinking it, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to type it. Yes, I’m sorry your child has a stomach ache, but do I need to know what color their bowel movement was or its consistency? No! Never! Never, ever, ever! This is one example of the TMI culture that is rabid on social media.
So when people share their grief on Facebook, it can turn into a TMI fiasco. For some reason, when sitting behind the safety of the computer screen or smartphone, some of us feel comfortable asking totally inappropriate questions that we would never have the guts to ask in person. The TMI-addicted commenter wants answers, detailed answers, about how it happened, what was was the cause, were there any last words, etc. Or worse, they chime in with their own stories or experiences that distract from the original news. And they do this publicly, not privately.
I shake my head in awe and disgust.
When someone posts on Facebook that they have lost of a loved one, you should never delve into more detail than what has been already provided by the person posting. If you have a desperate desire for more answers, and simply can’t help yourself, just email, text message, or (gasp!) call them on the phone privately – do not pry on their Facebook wall. When someone posts such sad news, they are not necessarily looking for a long dialogue. They are looking for acknowledgement of their loss. If your friend posts that his close cousin passed away suddenly, and you choose to respond with a story about your pet hamster’s death, you are taking away from the importance of your friend’s post. You are stealing focus.
The proper way to show your condolences, should you choose to do so on Facebook, is to write something like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or even take it one step further and say, “So sorry for your loss. I’m here for you, when you’re ready to talk.” Don’t go off topic, or bring the comment trail into another direction. Keep it focused on what that person needs and not what will get you attention.
Tip #2: Leave Out the Details
Tip #1 was for people who comment on the experience of others. Now, I’m going to turn the tables and discuss the etiquette of posting information about the death of a loved one on Facebook.
One Modern Manners Guy Facebook friend emailed me about his family member who posted a detailed description of a loved one’s death from an illness that slowly deteriorated the person’s body. As someone who has worked with sick people before, I learned that keeping the delicacies of someone’s final days private is absolutely crucial. But not this over-sharer! They went on and on about the slow progression of a terminal illness with no regard to the deceased.
As usual, I’ll play Devil’s advocate and say, “Okay, they meant well.” That’s fine. It’s good to mean well, but it’s more important to do well! So, if you write a post about someone’s suffering final days and detail every aspect of their decline, the result is that the deceased will not be remembered as the shining person everyone knew.
Even if someone has a horrific ending, now is the time to praise their strength and beauty. If you have to talk about them on social media sites like Facebook, stick to a simple thought about their life and good nature, rather than their tragic ending. Keep those details private.
Tip #3: Celebrate Their Life
It’s not easy to lose someone and, as much as you want to grieve and open your heart, as I said in Tip #2, Facebook is not the place for gruesome details. It’s for sharing good will and good memories. I like to think that the deceased would wish that you’d celebrate their life instead of dwelling on their death. So if you must use Facebook as an outlet for grief, make it the place to honor the wonderful life and qualities of your loved one.
Last year, my close friend passed away at a very young age from an illness he battled for many years. When he passed, everyone posted their general condolences for his family, as you would expect. But soon therafter friends started posting great uplifting stories about him. Post after post was filled with details about our friend’s life and showed him in a beautiful light. And now his page is forever filled with great tales and fond memories. No one wants to talk about his illness, only his life. And this is the only proper way to memorialize a friend.
Do you have a story about bad Facbeook behavior? Post all the details in the comment section below. As always, if you have another manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.
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