Manners of Saying No
You’re nice, but what if you need to say no?
We talked recently about having a “yes face,” but what if you just need to say no? I recently received an email from a listener who was curious about just such a question.
Our listener says —
I have trouble saying no sometimes. I would prefer not to lend out books or other items, but I don’t know how to refuse. This extends to ideas, too. I enjoy cooking, and I invent many of my own recipes. I’m proud of them, and I like to share the dishes with friends. But sometimes people ask me to share a recipe with them that I would rather keep to myself.
Am I just being stingy? Or is there a polite way to tell someone no?
Taking the Exam
Thank you so much for listening to the show and writing in. I think the first thing you might look at would be your motives for not wanting to share things with your friends. I’m not saying that your motives are wrong or right, just that you might examine them.
Some people have been taken advantage of so often that trust is hard to come by and loaning something out is absolutely not an option. It could also be that you just put a high price on your stuff and aren’t interested in seeing it leave your home. Either way, this is a self-searching exercise that might have a revealing answer — maybe an answer that you don’t like. You never know — you might start thinking about things differently which isn’t always a bad idea.
Stranger Danger
Another thing to look at is the level of friendship. A virtual stranger asking you for something is completely different from your brother or best friends asking. There is certainly a range that is within your comfort level.
It might be good for you to determine where your comfort level is if you have one at all. Are you going to have enough contact with that person to be able to remind them to return the item after a reasonable amount of time? Is the person borrowing the item going to be responsible enough to care for it or provide a replacement if the item is damaged?
I let a friend borrow a paperback book once. He demolished the spine by folding the book back on itself to make it easier to hold and read. He then apologized and gave me $5 to buy a replacement. That wouldn’t have worked with a limited edition work, but I was pleased with his display of humanity.
A Good Idea
Ideas are a different animal. Someone can take your idea and use it to make money thereby squeezing you out of its potential. Even if someone else doesn’t use your idea to get rich, they can claim your idea and take the glory.
However, if you’re just holding on to your ideas so no one else can use them, this might be another opportunity to check your motives.
If you think you might turn your ideas into money someday, submit them to the copyright office or the patent office. You could also do the “poor man’s copyright” like country music singer, Willie Nelson, and mail the ideas to yourself. The post office will seal them up and let you know what’s necessary to make sure the contents of the package will hold up in a court of law.
Weighing the Options
And don’t relent unless you have a good, new reason you can articulate to them.
Someone requesting something of you doesn’t mean you should give it to them. Weigh the importance of the item and the trustworthiness of the person. Then decide. You might just need to say, “No. I’d rather not.” You may even ask to have a bit to think about it, but don’t use that to weasel out of answering the question. If the person making the request asks why not, have a reason. “Oh. I’ve lent a lot of things out that I haven’t gotten back. It’s nothing against you. It’s just my own personal policy.” or “I’m sorry, it just really stresses me out to lend people things,” or “It’s a secret family recipe. I could tell you, but then I’d have to adopt you.”
It’s not really your problem if that person can’t handle being told no, so stick to your guns. This is especially important with children. Telling a child no but giving in later is a sure-fire way to encourage the child to keep asking until they get their way. But even if your friends are adults, tell them no and don’t relent unless you have a good, new reason you can articulate to them. But, and this is big, don’t expect them to share with you if you are not going to share with them. That better conveys what I was getting at. Agreed. I made the change.
Stick to Your Guns
Lastly, and this might really clear things up. When you share something (even money) with someone, don’t expect to get that item back. If you do, you start to harbor resentment toward that person when the item isn’t returned in what you deem to be a reasonable amount of time. Share an idea or recipe if you can handle not getting credit. Just be quietly proud when your friend forgets and shares your recipe with others as if it was his own. And you might make a mental note to not share with that person again.
If you share with others freely but responsibly, you will start to see them willing to share with you.
And, hopefully, your self-examination will turn you into a sharing, giving person. Or you might just become more confident in saying no.
Thank you for listening to the Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.
Transcripts of this show can be found online at manners.quickanddirtytips.com.
Send your question and comments to manners@quickanddirtytips.comcreate new email. The Modern Manners Guy is part of the Quick and Dirty Tips Network, which has released its first book– Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing. Order it now anywhere books are sold.
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