What to do When Friends Don’t Pay You Back
Learn what to say when friends won’t pay.
Today’s article comes from another reader email question. We’ll take a look at the frustration of the friend who buys all the tickets to an event only to be stuck with the awkward situation of not being repaid.
The Manners of Getting Paid Back
Dear Modern Manners Guy!
I love your podcast, and I have a question. I often coordinate various friends for events like concerts, plays and simple gatherings. A couple of good friends whom I enjoy socially have the habit of being late with the payments of gas or tickets, or simply rounding down the sum to the lower number. Consider a bill of $53 rounded down to 50 instead of 55 or simply 53. In the big picture of life this does not matter, however it makes me feel silly and I am afraid I might develop a slight negativism toward them. How would you advise I talk to them about it?
Dear friend, the first thing to remember in this situation is that friendships come with the good and the bad. Always remind yourself that each of us has faults, including your Modern Manners Guy. Friendships are the strongest when we learn to be patient and have grace with each other.
Manners v. Tough Love
But your real answer has to do with “tough love.” Sure, it’s reasonable to just approach your friend on the phone or in person and tell them, though they may not understand, they are making you feel silly when they are late paying you back or don’t pay you back fully. Try not to be accusatory when you talk to them, but let them know they are moving down the list of friends who will be invited to the events when they burden you with paying for everything. I’m not even opposed to you just not inviting them any more. When they ask why they weren’t included, you can tell them you didn’t think they were excited about doing that kind of stuff because you thought their disinterest in paying you back was the result of them trying to save their money for other things.
Establish Guidelines for Getting Paid Back
At that point the cards are on the table and you can see how they are going to play their hand. Hopefully, at this point, you’ll be able to establish some guidelines for getting paid back. Just be sure to have your list of demands ready when the topic of buying tickets comes up.
Be sure to have your list of demands ready when the topic of your buying something for others comes up.
That might mean that you and some of your friends aren’t able to do that many things in the future. That also might mean that you make some of your friends mad at you for a bit. You’ll have to be willing to live with these things in order to get everyone on the same page. After a time, everyone will either accept the terms or decide not to participate, at which point you will be able to plan events with the confidence you’ll get paid back and have happy feelings about all of your friends.
Manners and The Blame Game
If you discuss this issue with your friends and their bad behavior continues, you should stop planning and executing the events. You are not their parents, nor should you be acting as their bank– especially if they are not going to repay you the full amount. They will take advantage of you as long as they can, and you are making sure they never become responsible with their funds. Don’t, however, play the blame game. This part of being mannerly can be difficult, but try to be as matter-of-fact as you can about the situation. Making a big deal out of your frustration and trying to make everyone feel bad is not mannerly.
Practical Payment Solutions
Something that might make all of this a little simpler is using a service like PayPal or CommonBox to take care of event payments. I’m not going to go into the financial side of those services except to say that the free options may be enough for you when planning a party. You can set deadlines for payments and make sure everyone who is interested in being part of the event knows their payment is required for participation. If the payment deadline passes, you then have extra tickets to sell. You can see the related links on this episode’s web page for more info.
Manners for Paying Someone Back
I also have some words for those who don’t even realize they are the problem. Stop right now and think if you owe money to anyone. And the next time someone decides to buy you a ticket for something, go out of your way to pay them back the exact amount for the ticket as quickly as you can– and always before the event takes place. When someone else drives and the event is pretty far away, remember that they have to pay for the maintenance on their car so you might offer to pay for the gas. And don’t let them argue you out of it. Tell them you are paying for gas and they can return the favor next time.
If you can’t afford the the ticket to the event at the time the tickets are purchased, express your regrets and let them know you will try to be part of the next event. Your friends should never be thought of as banks. When banks loan money, it’s a business transaction. When friends loan money, it’s a manners issue and should be taken care of as quickly as possible.
Again, dear listener, all of this might ruffle some feathers, but these kinds of things can ruin friendships. You should either have the rules in place before the situation arises or be resolved to not worry about the cost.
Administration
Thanks for listening to this episode of The Modern Manners Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips for a More Polite Life.
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