How to Tell Someone They Are Wrong

Today’s topic is telling people they’re wrong.

Elizabeth writes in.

I work for a small company and we often contract work from larger companies to survive. Sometimes we deal with clients who are just plain wrong. How can you tell a superior, or in this case a client, that they are just plain wrong? (Without losing your job!)

Elizabeth, I like you! We share a common desire: we both like to let people know they’re wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!!! And of course, that means we’re right. I’m curious why you do it; I know why I do it. I was not popular growing up, and didn’t do that normal stuff like bonding over cotton candy at the state fair, playing baseball in the vacant lot, and hanging out in our treehouse. My life was more about being chained to the bully’s desk and forced to eat dog biscuits while doing her homework for her. Now to prove my worth, I love to make it clear that everyone else is wrong and I have the answers. I don’t have any pets, but I still buy dog biscuits. I wonder if I should mention that to my therapist…?

Know Your Motivation

Before you let your client or your boss know they’re wrong, ask yourself why you care. If you think it’ll be risky, make sure you’re taking the risk for a good reason. Maybe you’re like me, and you just want to be right. If that’s it, please let me introduce you to my therapist. Next time you think they’re wrong, look your client, or your boss, or your teenager straight in the eye and say, “You could be right. Let’s do it your way.”

When your motive is pure ego, you’re setting yourself up to fail. If you doubt me, think about the last time you demanded your shmoopie-woopie go to your favorite restaurant for dinner instead of theirs. Even if you were right—heck, especially if you were right—how much groveling did it take to repair the relationship? If ego is the only thing compelling you to tell someone they’re wrong, hire a therapist and vent to them instead. One hundred twenty five dollars an hour is a bargain by comparison.

You’re Not Their Savior

But what if your motive is genuine concern for their well-being? You want them to know they’re wrong, because you know from experience that they’re just asking for trouble taking flash photos with their pet porcupine at their wedding.

If you’re truly concerned, say that. Let them know your fears, but make it about you and your experience. “I’m concerned about this situation. In my experience flash bulbs can cause porcupines to suffer a psychotic break. I’m worried that could happen here.” They’ll ignore you; after all, they think they’re right. But you’ve said your bit and can now sleep with a clear conscience. When the tabloids arrive, asking you to comment on the tragic incident, don’t gloat, at least, not obviously. Just smile a sad little smile and say, “They were using their best judgment. Apparently, things just got away from them.”

You Are Your Own Savior

If you want to say “You’re wrong” because the outcome could be bad for you, your husband, wife, significant other, polyamorous family unit, children, or your job, you must take action. Don’t attack them, their ideas, or their judgment. Instead, pretend you’re a bit befuddled and ask questions.

Ask them to clarify the facts as they understand them. Then confirm you heard them. “Let me make sure I understand. You want the porcupine in the photo, because you met in the pet store when picking him out. The porcupine, that is.” “Yes.” “And your goal is affirming your love by including the porcupine in your pictures in a miniature bridesmaid’s outfit.” “That’s right.”

Now introduce your position. Share your goals, experience, and theories. “I want us all to stay safe. I fear flash bulbs will traumatize the porcupine, it will shred the dress, and hospitalize everyone in a five yard radius.”

Agree on Goals and Priorities

Now that you have shared your goals and theories, brainstorm ways you can make both of you happy. “How can we stay safe and affirm your love?” Maybe a nice corsage would help. You’re discarding opinions, right/wrong thinking, and conflict in favor of exploring both sides’ goals, outcomes, and plans. That takes longer than cramming your point of view down their throat, but it’s more productive. You might actually convince them to change their mind.

Next time you’re sure you’re right and they’re wrong, just smile and agree if deferring to them won’t cost you. Life is too short to pick battles you don’t need to win. If you do need to win, explore your goals around the issue, plus the hopes and fears driving your point of view. Ask questions. Learn their goals, hopes, and fears. Then work together to design answers that work for you both.

And maybe they will change your mind! They could be right. After all, in twenty-five years, porcupine wounds will be long-healed, but the wedding pictures will give a lifetime of joy, chuckles, and humorous dinner conversation to the survivors.

This is Stever Robbins. Email questions to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com or leave voicemail at 866-WRK-LESS. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and join my Facebook page.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

RESOURCES:

• – The unfortunate result of porcupine follies

Image courtesy of Shutterstock