How to Be Assertive
Get tips on becoming more assertive in many different situations.
Today’s article answers a question from a reader whose boss told her to be more assertive. Being assertive can mean anything. It could mean politely saying “No” when asked to take on an extra project. It could mean chatting with your office rival about who gets the next promotion, while absentmindedly twirling your machete, which you “just happened” to have with you.
Understand What “Assertive” Means
If your boss (or anyone in your life) advises you to become more assertive, ask him what “assertive” means. Your boss may not have a specific answer. He may say, “You need to be generally more assertive.” If he says that, grab him by the shirt and pull him so you’re nose-to-nose. Look him straight in the eye and say, “Tell me where, exactly, you want me to be more assertive, buckwheat!” Pause until a drop of sweat drips down his forehead and on to the end of his nose. Then let go and say, “See? I was being assertive! Everything’s good. You can give me that good review, now.” If he doesn’t have you arrested on the spot, he might engage his brain and tell you which situations you need to approach with more assertiveness. Since we don’t yet know where your boss wants you to be more assertive, let’s consider common assertiveness problems.
How to Assert Your Point of View
When it comes time to make decisions, you may need to assert your point of view. My friend Alex says, “Let’s go to dinner. What do you want to eat?” I say, “I’d love a nice tasty salad, and if I have one more order of chicken wings, I think I’ll hurl.” Alex says, “Actually, I want chicken wings.” I say, “Okay. Chicken wings, it is.” That’s called being a wimp.
When you’re assertive, you make sure everyone has heard your point of view and considered it. Assertive Stever would say, “I’m not in the mood for chicken wings. Let’s find a third option we both like. If there isn’t one, we can do our own thing for dinner and go out together some other time.” If you push too hard, though, that’s being aggressive. Aggressive Stever would go ahead and order the chicken wings, and then hurl. It wouldn’t be pretty, but it would drive the point home.
How to Be Assertive When Negotiating
Negotiating also gives you a chance to be assertive. Let’s say you’re negotiating a position working on a cool new project. “I want to be team leader and have 500 people reporting to me,” you say. “How about a job as assistant note taker, with six matrix bosses and no employees?” “Sure!” you say, thinking, “At least I’ll have a job.”
When you’re negotiating, walking into the negotiation knowing what you really want will help you be assertive. If you decide you need a team leader position for your career advancement, own it. If the other side proposes a deal you don’t like, stay committed to your original goals. Say, “That doesn’t work for me. I need a team leader position as part of my career advancement.”
How to Be Assertive When Giving Negative Feedback
When you have to deliver negative feedback, be assertive by saying what you have to say forthrightly but with compassion. Don’t hedge it. Don’t get all caught up in emotion. If you’re tempted to start your sentence with “I’m so so so so sososososososososo sorry to have to tell you this. I really am. And I’m sure you meant well. And I like you as a person and we’ll still be friends won’t we? PLEASE DON’T HATE ME!” that’s a sign you’re not being assertive. If you’re afraid of causing someone pain, keep the message about facts, not interpretation or statements about the person. Say what you need to say calmly and compassionately. “Bernice, you promised a status report last Monday. You delivered it ten days late. Though you did include that, er, remarkable cover with stars made out of gold glitter, that doesn’t make up for the missed deadline.”
How to Be Assertive When Delegating
If you delegate by suggesting possibilities, you’re probably not being assertive enough. “Les, do you think there’s a possibility that you might find the time sometime—no hurry!—to begin pondering our potential next course of action?” Les can’t act on this. Are you asking for something important? Are you even asking for something at all? Asking softens a request, but you don’t want to soften it to the consistency of pudding. Give the delegation clearly, and if you want to soften it by making it a request, give them choices about some other part of the project. Rather than asking, “Do you think you could finish the report by Monday?” say, “Please finish the report Monday. Do you think you’ll have time to bind it with gold glitter stars on the cover?”
To be perfectly clear, be exact about the deliverable, the due date, and the priority. “Les, please finish vendor interviews by Friday. By next Wednesday, please give me your top three recommendations with rationale. That is your top priority this week and supercedes everything else.”
It’s hard to know what your boss means when he tells you to be more assertive. Have him get specific about where and when he wants you to be more assertive. Then find ways to deal with those specific situations. In any event, you can start by being more assertive about decisions, negotiating, giving feedback, and delegating. Talk to your boss today, decide what to change tomorrow, and report back by Friday. Until then…
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
Businesswoman image courtesy of Shutterstock
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
