Resolving Disagreement
Disagreement can sap time, energy, and good will. Here’s how to sort out disagreement peacefully and find a working solution.
Dealing with disagreements quickly and easily will help you move forward as quickly as possible, whether your plans involve deciding on a venue for your new product marketing launch, or taking over the world by holding the entire world’s supply of fashionable clothes for ransom. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t listened to all your Get-It-Done Guy episodes. Listen again. Your life will be better for it.)
“I’m OK, You’re OK.” It was the name of a really popular self-help book, and it perpetuates the myth that someone else might be as awesome as you. That’s not true, of course. You’re the best. But you may have noticed that even the best sometimes get caught in disagreements with other people. Not only do disagreements call into question your being the best—an absurd proposition—but they can slow things down, and make it harder to speed quickly down the wrong path. Er, I mean down the right path. Surely that’s what I meant.
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Calm Down and Be Civil
Bernice wants rose bouquets as centerpieces at her wedding reception. Kaitlin, her able assistant, is insisting on an assortment that doesn’t include roses. They’re yelling at each other across the greenhouse of Bernice’s Green Growing Things plant store. Customers are starting to stare, and the Audrey 2s in the back room are licking their lips in anticipation…
When you find yourself disagreeing with someone, first calm down and take 5 deep breaths. You won’t get anywhere if you’re filled with righteous anger. It may play well on The Kardashians, but not in real life.
Set a ground rule for yourself to be civil. When people are feeling defensive, they’ll take almost anything you say as an attack. When you’re feeling angry, almost anything you say will be an attack. “Hand me the scissors. I have to cut a piece of string.” said in sinister, attacking voice tone. The Audrey 2s are licking their lips again. Plant with lips…gross.
No comments that imply bloodshed, no saying “your mother wears combat boots” unless it’s true, and no implying you’re the best and they’re not. You’re too good for that.
Find the Source of Disagreement
Disagreement happens for one of two reasons: you disagree about end goals, or you disagree about the means to get there. Have the discussion. Say, “Let’s check in and find out where we disagree. What’s the goal we’re trying to reach?” Find out if your goals agree or not.
Bernice’s goal is “to have sweet-smelling tables.” Kaitlin’s goal is “to keep this wedding from bankrupting Bernice.” This is a clear goal disagreement.
Now ask “why?” for each goal. Keep asking “why?” until you find a common goal. Bernice wants “sweet-smelling table.” Why? “So I have a wedding with beautiful memories for years to come.” Kaitlin wants an affordable wedding. Why? “So Bernice can remember this wedding as a beautiful memory, not as the event that put her into bankruptcy.” We only had to ask “Why?” once and we have a common goal: to make this a wedding Bernice will remember fondly in terms of smell and budget.
See Also: How to Tell Someone They Are Wrong
Find Disagreements Over Means
Sometimes goals are in alignment, but how to reach them may be different. Bernice and Kaitlin agree the reception should be held in a beautiful location. But they disagree on how to reach that goal. Bernice wants to use a nearby ski lodge, built by an eccentric industrialist and accessible only by hot air balloon. Kaitlin is suggesting a country club, accessible by walking, car, public transportation, bicycle, and pogo stick.
When there’s disagreement over means, it’s usually because you each have different ideas about which means is most likely to reach your goal. Or, you may be considering additional goals that haven’t been stated, yet.
Ask the other person, “Why don’t you think my ‘means’ will be as effective as yours?” Note that since you’re the best and you’re mature, emotionally intelligent, and anti-fragile, you’re defusing defensiveness by having them poke holes in your plans, rather than the other way around. Listen carefully to the answer and notice whether you have different beliefs about effectiveness, or whether new goals are coming out.
When Bernice asks Kaitlin, “Why won’t the ski lodge be as effective as the country club in being beautiful?” Kaitlin responds “Oh, it will be just as beautiful! But your grandmother is in a wheelchair and won’t be able to travel in a hot air balloon.” Kaitlin is agreeing that both the lodge and the club will reach the goal of a beautiful reception, but wheelchair accessibility is a hidden goal that hadn’t come out until now.
See Also: Gaining Buy In
The thought of her grandmother being unable to attend the wedding so instantly reached Bernice’s heart that she blubbering agreed to the country club location, apologizing profusely for her thoughtlessness.
As you might want to consider, too. When you’ve resolved a disagreement, if at any point in the process you yelled or behaved too emotionally, apologize. It doesn’t matter if you were right or wrong; this is about repairing the emotional part of the relationship. Say “I’m sorry I yelled. I’ll try to do better next time.” And since you’re the best, you will.
Disagreements can be awkward, especially with someone who doesn’t realize you’re the best, yet. Stop and breathe. Then find out whether you disagree over goals or means. Find your common goal, and from there, re-examine your means to find the one most likely to succeed, taking into account as many important factors as possible. Then apologize if you misbehaved at any point during the process. They’ll say “That’s OK. I understand. You’re the best.” … At last, they see the truth.
Work Less, Do More, and Have a Great Life!
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About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the podcast Get-it-Done Guy from 2007 to 2019. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a BS in Computer Sciences from MIT.
